Transparent Struggle

pray without ceasing.... 1 Thess 5:17

I am at the point of parenting where I want to give up! I just want to throw in the towel and say forget it, I'm done. I mean my kids are 22, 20 and 16, so it's not like I would be abandoning infants. *sigh* Now don't get me wrong. I love my kids to life! I would have a all out drag out street fight for my kids. I would take a bullet for my kids. Yes I would die for them. But I've come to a point where I have to decide that I won't die BECAUSE of them. 

Here's my issue.  I have three very different, very intelligent, very creative kids. I have allowed them, for the most part, to express their creativity since they were younger. Probably, no, most definitely when I should have been teaching practical things like manners and loving their neighbor/ siblings, sharing and showing the love of Christ, I was letting them run in the house, yell and play like crazy. It's my fault, I'm sure of it and now I have to face that portion. I have to look the sweet kids who loved to be outside and laugh at my dry jokes, who I should have taught chores, responsibility and the art of putting self last, in the face and say I failed you as a mom back then. All the homemaking, homeschooling got it all together moms remind me of that all the time. 

And then I read a blog or status on Facebook where a mom flipped out on her kids. I hear a mom admit to not caring if they didn't clean up right now, or I go to a moms house who says sorry for the mess! And I realize that I am no different, I'm not the only screw up that allowed things that should not have been. I have even ditched certain no brainers in discipline because I wasn't allowed to do it. And then I also remember.... I'm redeemed!

I remember that God pursued me for 39 yrs before I surrendered and even the not had to have been such a battle to me to that calm state you get wild horses to after throwing a rope they weren't prepared for around them. I complained, I lied still, I even harbored anger towards people and I'm sure I caused a commotion or two. Sheesh! Now that I think about it, He has to be GOD to have not given up on me! Everyone else has before! So how dare I even think about giving up on my kids. 

They have been disobedient, reckless with their lives at times, rebellious enough for Billy Idol to yell ENOUGH ALREADY!! But they are my kids. The children GOD lent to me for a short time. It's not their fault I wasted some of that time but even still, I'm glad GOD used me to pour something's into them. The verse Matthew 7:11 comes to mind when I say this. In my being evil, I knew certain things to tell them or show them. Thank You for that LORD. 

I was at a crossroads for a while now. I didn't want to "stifle their creativeness", I also didn't want spoiled snots for kids. So I spoke with as much love as I could muster up when they irritated me. I tried pouring into them when I was angry to reassure them I loved them. But I never pulled that love of the Father into it. I never said, "Lord, show me these baybay kids from Your eyes." I didn't see that His way was more important to instill than to make friends or make sure they weren't mad at family members. While I could go on with the "shoulda woulda couldas," I choose to MOVE ON and be the mom I need to be at this stage in life. After all, if GOD had given up on me when I was their ages, I would be a MESS right now clenched onto my one way ticket to hell!! I'm so glad He saved me!! Aren't you? Make sure your kids will be too....