TRansparent Review

Last year was a strange for me. I haven't quite figured out what words I should use to describe it. But somehow amongst all that happened, good and not so good, it led me back here to my blog. Honestly, it was like going back to a childhood or old home that had not been lived in since you were there. It took me about 20 frustrating and determined minutes to even get in and that was done by some little basement window that was left open with a stick from the last time you were there. But I'm here. I don't know why, but I'm here. I'm wiping off the cobwebs of my mind to remember why I stopped altogether but all I can come up with is that I walked into a valley that I wasn't prepared for and am just now climbing out, a few days shy of 4 years later. Paul was wise to tell us how he was able to move past things in the Bible. He said he "forgets what lies behind and reaches forward to what lies ahead," he also says he "presses on toward the goal to win the prize of the call of Christ." (Philippians 3:13 AMP) So as we stroll quickly through this transparent review, let's do so not in retrospect but in respect to where we are going.

So I don't remember much about 2017, only that I slowly begin to wake up more and more not giving God my first. I gave Him my "let me do this first" time. Usually that contained of scrolling wayy too long on Facebook, then bunny trails into videos and then getting up to get dressed 20-30 mins too late which then made me rush. I remember having so much on my mind. My son was in a relationship that I knew wasn't what God would have His hands on, my oldest was depressed and I couldn't do anything about it and my youngest transitioned from catching the bus to go to another city (literally 20 mins away) to me dropping her off at another school I didn't trust to moving 683 miles away to go to a school that I knew I could not protect her from things. My own life was in shambles from depression, bitterness and anger that had been up in my attic for years. By the end of 2017, my armor of God looked like I felt, a broken down, uncared for home where the shutters fell if someone sneezed, the front steps were not to be trusted by anyone over 20lbs and the framework and foundation leaned and threatened to fall over if one more person took up residence! My job was going well though! I loved what I was doing so much that I put my guard down and got too comfortable. This was the year blindness.

The following year, 2018, seemed to be a year of promises, shaky, broken promises that I made. It was indeed a weird year that demanded that I just cave when anything happened, keep my armor off and my offenses up. Apparently at some point I signed up to run through the muck and mire and got it straight in my eyes because blindness clung to me, that year and stayed for another year! I went through some really dark times because I refused to give my burdens to God, refueled to thank Him for what He had already done and was in fact doing, confessing what I needed and leaving it with Him. And I got heavier and heavier as if I had a plan to lose my spiritual weight but never got off my couch of resentment, fear, pride and anger while eating the fruits of gossip, lust and contention. My son lost a job that he was amazing at because of his pride, instead of allowing God to lead him, he came to me and I walked him straight into it. I didn't like the new person over this job, not that dislike was not unwarranted, mind you, and I saw it with my spiritual eyes. But because I was in so much darkness, I didn't know what to do with it or how to deal with it. I still knew to pray and I even remember seeing Pride walk across the room in front of my eyes. By that time I was so deep in sin, instead of focusing on God, I focused on all the trash that happened to fall in front of me. I hated that I couldn't make any changes for the kids that I worked with on either job. One was because it wasn't allowed, legally, and the other because the spiritual stagnation wouldn't allow it though it was once a place of prayer and hope and safety for kids. I went in there proud and without my armor because of what else I was dealing with and got trampled. By October I was sick because of all the spiritual muck I was carrying voluntarily. That's where my spirit begin to deteriorate. This was a year of darkness.

The next year was no better, but by this time I knew I needed to get out of the city I was in. We have a street there named Dodge St and I literally needed to "get out of Dodge"! I had decided by September 2018 that I would move to be closer to my youngest because she was so far away. I was sick of the heaviness, the fake Christian love with faces of condemnation looked at many, the snow! I remember asking God, 'why can't I do your work here, why can't I shake this,' and His answer was clear, "they won't receive what I have." I still wasn't reading my Bible or feeding my spirit or praying that much, but He was clear with that. So by March, I found a house and moved. Little did I know, He was moving me further into the valley. The struggle was real, but I watched the "new thing" He declared in His Word, "I am about to do something new. It is beginning to happen even now... I am going to make a way for you to go through the desert. I will make streams of water in the dry and empty land." (Isaiah 43:19) Listen, anyone that knows about Mississippi knows how dry that land LITERALLY is! Even the mud turns to clay! He brought me to that place. Without a job, without provision, times I thought I was going to be homeless and without but He kept His Word. I even went back to Omaha the summer of 2019 and got a job there. But it seemed the moths were eating up everything I had. I was able to pay rent but I was also paying for rentals because of not trusting Him. It was a crazy time. This was a year of exposing my heart

Enter in 2020... I was once again in Omaha visiting my mom who had been diagnosed with another form of cancer. I remember the feeling that depression was right there to greet me too. It fell heavy on me and I was miserable on that trip. And at the last minute, literally a day or two before my daughter and I were to leave, I got sick. At that time, and even months before that they were calling it an upper respiratory infection. I was miserable. The normal 12.5 hour drive took 24 hours. I dropped my daughter off to her dorm and went home and suffered, thinking I was going to die alone. My head felt like it would explode, my chest felt like it would cave in while on fire, my body had no strength to stand much less fight. It was horrible. Towards the end of the month, I felt well enough to go on an interview and got the job at a school, for the 2020-2021 year. But God told me He would replenish me, what He would give me during this time and He did. Just as my head vice grip pressure from congestion broke, my job called. I thought it was over but it had just begun. This was a year of refinement. Refinement is not fun, it's going through fire and allowing purification. Listen, I had no choice, if I knew that's what would happen, I would have tapped out. I wanted to. I contemplated the ultimate tap out that summer. But God had other plans. The day that I was going to go home and quietly figure out how to leave this world and leave my family behind, He sent a sweet lady from my church to start a conversation, at a luncheon we were at, that would drive me into tears as I drove home and trash the idea. Work was horrible, finances were horrible, my mind was horrible but somehow I had a peace that the enemy didn't want me to acknowledge. It was like I was standing at my door with the keys visibly in my hand and someone telling me that my keys to my home weren't there and I had no way to get in. This was a year of refinement.

This year, is new. My One Word is AMAZED for this year and I already have been. My new quest is to know where Hope and Faith really are for me. I'm preparing for what He has for me, even if it's deeper in the valley.

Transparent Peace

Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth. Psalms 46:10 (ASV)

My last post was 5 months ago at the end of August. I had just been through a near eviction and right after that having my water shut off for about 3 weeks. Needless to say, it was a hard and almost overbearing time. I had no income; unemployment seemed to be taking its sweet time coming and a very outstanding water bill, not to mention my children who God sent to me to lift me up in times just like this. I was broke AND broken yet it seemed this time all my broken pieces were held in the Hands of a very loving, very powerful Father. He told me each morning to be still. He told me every morning that He is God. Never did it become redundant to hear these words. He seemed to know exactly when to say them and each time, every morning they were sweet to my ears. I love my Dad!

Around this time, now that I think back, I was in the wilderness being sifted. During that time some uglies came out of me that I am not very proud to say even resided in me, but I gladly say that because of Who is in me, not what! He was continuing my healing process from the Heart transplant I had asked for not much earlier than this. I believe if He had revealed to me what He had planned to take me through, I would have opted out of it. I would have said, “No thanks. I appreciate what you are trying to do God but I can’t go through all that, not again. My kids can’t handle that again and they may even leave this time to go stay with their dad. Then where would I be? No, no thanks.”

Can you imagine saying no to God? Yet we do that very thing every day by choosing our ideas and ways of doing things over His. As if we know so much more better than He does. As if WE were the ones “sitting high and looking low” and He was the apple of our eye! How crazy is that? Yet look at how gracious He is! He knows our hearts and the lust for control in our lives yet He loves us! Oh how He loves us! His grace and mercy IS everlasting!

During this hiatus, I have learned a lot about myself and about God. I have learned how imperfect I really am, no matter how many times I try hard to be “perfect.” I realize how much I needed saving when He reached down in the mess I made and saved me. I realize that I need that same Savior everyday to not only save me from myself and my frienemies but to be Lord of my life. Jesus is Lord and Savior of my life like keys and an engine is to a car. It won’t move without them. I also learned that His grace and mercy are everlasting. I screw up every day. I am an example of how far out His grace and mercies go and believe me, they are still going stronger than the Energizer Bunny!

I also learned that in order to hear from God, I must be still. I must listen. I must know that He is God. If an unknown teacher came into your town professing to be able to answer all your questions and help you in your daily life and finances, will you go hungry to hear his words? I don’t think so. You may go, you may even listen but it will not be with the intensity and hunger as if that teacher was TD Jakes or Dave Ramsey or even Mother Teresa (that would be weird). In order to listen intently, you must be still. If you are listening to the radio and a breaking newscast comes on, you stop what you are doing to really listen. In order to be still you must know that He is God. If a stranger comes towards you waving a gun saying be still or they are going to shoot you, what would you do? Likewise, if a friend comes towards you shouting get down and be still, waving their gun, you would do it because you trust them. In order to know that He is God, you must trust Him.

I believe I am in a “be still and know” moment in my life. I’m still not working, I still have needs that I lift up to Him but I now choose to “know that He is God” and let Him do the rest. I know when it’s time for me to act on the gifts He has given me, He will tell me. Until then, I won’t budge a muscle except to minister to those He sends my way. You see my job right now consists of being a godly woman, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, friend and even stranger. Colossians tells me to do whatever I do to the glory of God (Colossians 3:17, 23). And at the exact moment that He lifts me to the ministry that He has given me, I will be so ready that I spring into action. I still need a vehicle, I still need clothes for my family, and I still even need food for the most part. But what I need the most is God and I am so thankful that I have Him in Christ Jesus!

Oh God, thank You for Your wonderful grace and mercy. Thank You for showing me what I am not so that I could accept the love You give to me anyway. Without You I am unworthy, dirty and useless. But with You I am made whole! Help me to be still and know that YOU are God even when I feel like I need to move forward. Close doors that only You can close and at the right moment, bust doors wide open that only You can open! Until then, Your grace is sufficient. In Jesus name, Amen!