Seeing In the Dark

Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him. Job 13:15a


Why are you cast down, O my soul,

and why are you in turmoil within me?

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,

my salvation and my God. Psalm 42:5-6

Why are you cast down, O my soul,

and why are you in turmoil within me?

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,

my salvation and my God. Psalm 43:5

Today has already been a hard day... It started out as any other. I woke up, read my Bible plan for the day (I even did it before looking at Facebook) and prepared to take my mom to work. I woke my youngest up as she gets ready while I am gone. Last night she had a little attitude because I got on her about not moving when I tell her to do something and even addressed her mumbling to her brother (he's next for listening and not correcting). But this morning, she was fine and even joyful! A new day, thank You Lord! I dropped her off, came to get my oldest and take her to work and my focus began to shift to how little gas we have (for the rest of the week, mind you). I stopped focusing on God and began focusing on what I didn't have. The enemy settles in so subtly and then goes in for the kill... 

By the time I got back, I knew my prayer time would be rough but I was okay, so I thought. I turned on my prayer playlist on YouTube and got ready... and then the tears began. The shame began to flow through, the the guilt rose up... again. Last night replayed and how my youngest wanted seconds but we didn't have enough and so she seemed disappointed. I seemed to have been too busy to recognize my broken heart over that until today. Emotions seemed to sweep over me... what I can't do, how I am not equipped, how tired I am of things, what I need... Me me me... 

I read a prophetic word that was anonymously given on Sunday to me and even that seemed to bring more tears of how worthless I am, alone. This seemed to be a rough chaffing day, a day of God removing some things that were deeply planted in my heart. And even as I replayed our eviction, the many times in need, the bills I can't seem to catch up to, the tuition and teachers who count on it I let down, my daughter's trip in less than two weeks which I don't have the money for (less the donation given). I seem let everyone down or say what shouldn't be said or continuously ask for things (beg)... 

So as I cried, I wrote this down (bare with me, it's long):

My confessions: I'm tired of being broke. I'm tired of not having what's needed. I'm tired of being homeless and my kids sleeping on the floor or not having what they need. I can't seem to do this right, not even at the end of my daughter's last year. I can't seem to fight procrastination and spending. I can't seem to stay focused. I can't do this. I am broken. I am alone. I am lonely. I am without help. I am lying to myself and others when I seem okay or good with it. I am not. I am always 3 steps behind when there are blessings to be had. I need help. I need to hear Your voice, Your wisdom, Your instructions for me. I need provision. I need to see the manifestations. I need to have faith and trust You more. I need to know and see that this is almost over. I repent of my selfish perspective and vain imaginations. I repent of my pride. I repent of my attitude and lack of focus. I repent of not seeking Your Kingdom and not following through. I repent of not seeking Your face but instead Your hands. I repent of keeping some of my life away from You. I repent of serving manna, not You. HELP MY UNBELIEF!!!!! I don't believe the provision will come. I don't believe I will receive Your promises because I don't deserve them. I don't believe that someone will bless us with a vehicle and house but that you want me to work for it all, not so ministry. I don't believe I can do what's needed to prepare my kids for their futures. 

And then I realized that something was happening. I was hearing truths spoken in my spirit as I spoke out these emotions and lies and venom about His daughter whom He loves. My feeling are real, my thoughts are real, how I feel right now is real... But His truth in my life is even more real. So then as I read this out loud, I realized some truths and said these things: I'm tired but You are my strength. You said I could come if I am weary and you would give me strength. I can't but You can. You said with me this is impossible, but with You ALL things are possible (that just choked me up again, dang it! I'm almost out of tissue). I feel like nothing right now but I am made new in You. You said You would never leave me nor forsake me. You would never see Your seed begging bread. I do need, but it's You that I need. You said You would give my daily bread and in that I need to trust. As I repent, I know I am forgiven. 

In the course of this crying out, wanting pass over the bad stuff and realizing I need more of His presence, not what's in His wallet, I am still worried, I am still stressed, I can't see my way out of this darkness... But He can. And that's all I need to rest in right now. 

If I go or not, if my daughter is able to go or not, if we lose the rest of what we have, we STILL have CHRIST and that can never change. He never leaves or forgets us, we walk away and forget Him. 

Thank You God for walking me through this painful reminder today that You are all that I need. I still hope that all turns out well and that someone will bless us with what is needed to go, to move in, to drive but even if none of it happens, Your Word is still true and You are still good and for that I worship you. 

Transparent Letter

"For if in anything I have boasted to him about you, I am not ashamed. But as we spoke all things to you in truth, even so our boasting to Titus was found true." 2 Cor 7:14

I was led to this hidden nugget earlier this morning in my morning devotional and had to write and share. I have to admit, when I first read it I asked GOD what it was supposed to mean to me. He then had me read two verses previous and the one following and that's when I understood. 

Paul had written this letter to Corinth in response to their treatment and hospitality to Titus. *Sidenote*: We really should study more about Corinth!! They welcomed him with open arms and so every boast (rejoice) made about Corinth was proven true. Titus was well cared for and loved even up to his departure. Isn't that how a church is supposed to be? Full of the grace and mercy that was so undeservedly extended to us? Welcoming those that enter in our "city" because they are sent or allowed by our Father? *Okay, another side note* Do you realize that if all churches who bear His name and seek after His will would love and provide for guests in this way, even those sent with ill will by their father, Satan, would be drenched in His love causing them to surrender to Him or flee?! 

Too many times in the church building we are more involved in and worried about keeping OUR bylaws and making sure everyone who enters knows and abides by them as well MORE than keeping His command to love our neighbor and each other. What a sad situation we have put ourselves in. We are nowhere near hated for Jesus' namesake. That would mean we love everyone while accepting them as they are but hating the sin. THAT would mean we would be speaking His Truth in totality, not watering down to satisfy everyone's uncomfortableness with What His Word says. And THAT would mean while we have our own stand on certain things and choose to stand against "freedoms" that lead to eternal bondage for our family in Christ, we wouldn't presuppose this on those who have no idea of His goodness, love or sacrifice that was also for them. 

What if.... we led our worship, our church service in such a way that even when someone in a particular sin walked in and heard the Truth spoken about that sin, they either cried out and surrendered to GOD or got up and walked away? What if there were no requirements of "minimum" tithe and offering amounts or judgmental stares at a person not in what we assume is the "Sunday best"? What if at the door they were so loved and well cared for that we received a letter from GOD stating a job well done, that His boast in us was found true? 

That is essentially what this verse says to me, practically speaking. We have gotten away from caring for each other and guests that visit. He is calling us to go back to the simpler times and listen to His guidance on dealing with guests who visit us. Our pastors should not have to prompt us to greet an smile. It should not be awkward to take a collection up for a needy family in our midst, whether attendees of our church or not instead of trying to "help them help themselves". No! That's what this Christian community is supposed to be about! None of us should be in lack for so long that we give up or look to this lost world for help. We need to get back to it. 

If GOD wrote us a letter about someone He sent to us, unbeknownst to us, what would our letters say? 

Father, thank You for forgiving our repetitive sins and disobedience. We have been distracted with whose church is best and whose theology makes more sense and which laws someone isn't following. We have forgotten the simpler things, to love and care for. We are so worried about how outrageous someone looks, acts or dresses when they come in "our" church that we forgot that this is Your hospital and we Your Body are to aid in healing.  Help us to get back to worship and work. In Jesus name. Amen!

Just Ask

Just Ask

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.  But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.  For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways. James 1:5-8 ESV

My daughter goes to a Christian school in our town called Omaha Christian Academy. She has been there for two and a half years now and my son went there for his last two years of high school due to bullying and bad influences. I am on the prayer team there with two other ladies and we get together weekly to pray for the school, direction, staff, families and kids. A big prayer of faith we have had recently started out as asking God to work in the heart of a potential donor. You see we need a bus for our kids to go on trips, scholastic and sports wise as well as other clubs. We started out saying that we needed to pray for the money to get the bus but then God reminded me of my own prayer holding to the promise that I will have a vehicle of my own and that He would supply it. So I told them this story and said why can God not so this for our school? He is a God of the impossible! HE can supply our needs and He can do without the help or reliance of others!

So anyway, I read devotion the other morning from Joseph Prince and although his devo was about something else, the last sentence in this first paragraph spoke something else to me:

"One of my heroes from the 1800s is a man of faith called George Muller. With faith in God, he built five large orphanages and housed some 2,000 orphans annually. He never asked a soul for money, but brought every need before the Lord. He literally prayed in millions of dollars throughout his life to keep those orphanages going." -Get God's Medicine Into You Joseph Prince courtesy of bible.com

Here is an email with a prayer I felt led to pray that I sent when I forwarded this to my two prayer partners and another friend God introduced me to!

"YES!!!! Chew on the first part of this, especially about George Muller!!! The first paragraph, last sentence!!!! AMEN! AMEN! AMEN!!! PRAISE GOD WHO HEARS AND ANSWERS!!!! We don't need to pray for new donors per se as much as we do donations!!! And then open our hands and expect to receive!!! James 1:6-8 comes to mind to remember when we pray!! Not to pray and cross our fingers but to pray, with thanksgiving, in expectation of what He already has for us!! The picture I get is of a parent who has something a child is looking at in a store and the child, instead of asking the parent, stares and wonders and even doubts that if he/ she asks that the parent would say yes. But when they finally do look to their parent ask, IT IS GIVEN!!!! Oh I am so excited for what's in store and how He will blow our minds view!!!

ABBA Father, thank You for this revelation!! Thank You for being so patient and kind while we figure this out and ask others or wonder and doubt!! Would You, Lord, increase our faith TODAY!! Would You prepare signs and wonders for our eyes to see and blow doubt out of the water as we step out of this constricting, limiting boat called comfort and on to the unknown waters You have called us to! Would we not look at our circumstances as our needs and cry out in anguish but look to You, Jesus, and cry out praises instead!? Fill us Lord with your strength to endure! ABBA, remember us with the favor that You bestow upon Your people! Conceive in us new fervor, new strength, new boldness and as our speaker said last November, new COURAGE to step out into the unknown because we know You!! You are a God of the impossible!!! Exceed our requests and expectations today Lord! In Jesus name! AMEN!!!!"

I don't know what else needs to be said other than we believe we shall see the goodness of The Lord in the land of the living! Not only when He comes to take us Home but now!! I am believing for this bus to be donated just like I am believing for El, our Provider to give me the good and perfect vehicle He has for me!! Whether He uses this donor, Woodhouse, who give freely as the Word says, or He Himself hands it to us, I know that it is on the way!! I do NOT lack wisdom or waver in my prayers for this bus!! I thank Him for what we do not see and pray GOD HELP OUR UNBELIEF!! 

What are you believing Him for? What has promise has He made to you? Can I remind you that his Word will NOT return to Him void?! Stop looking for resources or relying on your own and trust in the Source who gave you those resources!! His bank is everlasting! He Bank is never closed, never goes bankrupt and always gives freely to those who believe along with some gifts of grace and mercy! Believe in His goodness and mercy, declare His promises for your life and watch Him deliver!! FEDEX can't beat His timing!! 

Lord, I just want to thank You for Your goodness and mercy! Thank You for the lessons and trials You take us through to strengthen our faith! Thank You for never giving up on us and for blessing us in spite of ourselves! Thank You for OCA's courage and faithfulness and how they care for Your children! Pour into us this week Lord as a school, and as a family! As we all get together to pray for this need, I pray that You would meet the needs of others through us and in us! Thank You for continuing to entrust these families to us and even bringing about more! Increase our faith as You increase our children and as needs arise like more teachers, a gym of our own and bigger space! Make Your Face to shine on us and make us a bright Light to this neighborhood, this city, this state and this nation! Thank You for Your perfect blessing of a bus and Lord, thank You for my perfect vehicle!! In Jesus name! Amen!

All About The See Through Me

My name is Felicia. I am a 40 year old single mom of 2 high school graduates and a ninth grader, which a feat in and of itself if you knew my creative kids! I started my journey seeking GOD on June 29, 2009 when I sat in my bathroom crying and internally screaming at GOD about a man I thought He had brought into my life to save me from a drought marriage. Yes, I am an ex-adulterer, but I will get to that Im sure somewhere in this blogging journey. My life verse is Matthew 6:33, "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." And my saving verse for practical needs is Psalm 37:7 "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret when people succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes." I, like many, have had that traumatic childhood (divorce, molestation, bullying, depression) and Im sure that I have had my share of adulthood experiences to carry all us women. My journey has led me to this simple thing.... to blog. I have never been able to read through a lengthy blog or have I desired to so rest assured these will be simple notes of experience taught to me through YHWH which I pray will in turn help you (I mean who likes to go through trials for no reason??) get through your trials.
I can guarantee that there will be mistakes (spelling, grammar), you will laugh, you will cry and even be upset that I am leaning in your window sill far enough to grab a fork and taste test your pies. But what I can also guarantee is that this will be a supernatural experience for you felt through me as Holy Spirit moves and speaks through me while walking this ragged, narrow journey. This blog will be about my life in Christ, my struggles in Him, my children, my motherhood experiments... I mean experiences and life as a unmarried mother and person.
Let me explain the title, TransparenMe. A word that GOD keeps bringing me back to is transparency. The definition simply means to see through. This is what I want for my life in Christ to be. Soooo transparent that you can even see me through the screen. So grab your beverage of choice, find a quiet place to sit (if you have kids, you know there is no quiet place unless they are in their angelic state... sleeping) and dont forget the tissues as GOD uses me to rake through the muck in our lives that blocks us from being the transparent vessel He can use!