Seeing In the Dark

Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him. Job 13:15a


Why are you cast down, O my soul,

and why are you in turmoil within me?

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,

my salvation and my God. Psalm 42:5-6

Why are you cast down, O my soul,

and why are you in turmoil within me?

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,

my salvation and my God. Psalm 43:5

Today has already been a hard day... It started out as any other. I woke up, read my Bible plan for the day (I even did it before looking at Facebook) and prepared to take my mom to work. I woke my youngest up as she gets ready while I am gone. Last night she had a little attitude because I got on her about not moving when I tell her to do something and even addressed her mumbling to her brother (he's next for listening and not correcting). But this morning, she was fine and even joyful! A new day, thank You Lord! I dropped her off, came to get my oldest and take her to work and my focus began to shift to how little gas we have (for the rest of the week, mind you). I stopped focusing on God and began focusing on what I didn't have. The enemy settles in so subtly and then goes in for the kill... 

By the time I got back, I knew my prayer time would be rough but I was okay, so I thought. I turned on my prayer playlist on YouTube and got ready... and then the tears began. The shame began to flow through, the the guilt rose up... again. Last night replayed and how my youngest wanted seconds but we didn't have enough and so she seemed disappointed. I seemed to have been too busy to recognize my broken heart over that until today. Emotions seemed to sweep over me... what I can't do, how I am not equipped, how tired I am of things, what I need... Me me me... 

I read a prophetic word that was anonymously given on Sunday to me and even that seemed to bring more tears of how worthless I am, alone. This seemed to be a rough chaffing day, a day of God removing some things that were deeply planted in my heart. And even as I replayed our eviction, the many times in need, the bills I can't seem to catch up to, the tuition and teachers who count on it I let down, my daughter's trip in less than two weeks which I don't have the money for (less the donation given). I seem let everyone down or say what shouldn't be said or continuously ask for things (beg)... 

So as I cried, I wrote this down (bare with me, it's long):

My confessions: I'm tired of being broke. I'm tired of not having what's needed. I'm tired of being homeless and my kids sleeping on the floor or not having what they need. I can't seem to do this right, not even at the end of my daughter's last year. I can't seem to fight procrastination and spending. I can't seem to stay focused. I can't do this. I am broken. I am alone. I am lonely. I am without help. I am lying to myself and others when I seem okay or good with it. I am not. I am always 3 steps behind when there are blessings to be had. I need help. I need to hear Your voice, Your wisdom, Your instructions for me. I need provision. I need to see the manifestations. I need to have faith and trust You more. I need to know and see that this is almost over. I repent of my selfish perspective and vain imaginations. I repent of my pride. I repent of my attitude and lack of focus. I repent of not seeking Your Kingdom and not following through. I repent of not seeking Your face but instead Your hands. I repent of keeping some of my life away from You. I repent of serving manna, not You. HELP MY UNBELIEF!!!!! I don't believe the provision will come. I don't believe I will receive Your promises because I don't deserve them. I don't believe that someone will bless us with a vehicle and house but that you want me to work for it all, not so ministry. I don't believe I can do what's needed to prepare my kids for their futures. 

And then I realized that something was happening. I was hearing truths spoken in my spirit as I spoke out these emotions and lies and venom about His daughter whom He loves. My feeling are real, my thoughts are real, how I feel right now is real... But His truth in my life is even more real. So then as I read this out loud, I realized some truths and said these things: I'm tired but You are my strength. You said I could come if I am weary and you would give me strength. I can't but You can. You said with me this is impossible, but with You ALL things are possible (that just choked me up again, dang it! I'm almost out of tissue). I feel like nothing right now but I am made new in You. You said You would never leave me nor forsake me. You would never see Your seed begging bread. I do need, but it's You that I need. You said You would give my daily bread and in that I need to trust. As I repent, I know I am forgiven. 

In the course of this crying out, wanting pass over the bad stuff and realizing I need more of His presence, not what's in His wallet, I am still worried, I am still stressed, I can't see my way out of this darkness... But He can. And that's all I need to rest in right now. 

If I go or not, if my daughter is able to go or not, if we lose the rest of what we have, we STILL have CHRIST and that can never change. He never leaves or forgets us, we walk away and forget Him. 

Thank You God for walking me through this painful reminder today that You are all that I need. I still hope that all turns out well and that someone will bless us with what is needed to go, to move in, to drive but even if none of it happens, Your Word is still true and You are still good and for that I worship you. 

Transparent Faith II

And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19

This second post come months after the first one, which I did not intend. But I now see God had many other things for me to go through. This has turned out to be a longer journey through the desert than I could have ever expected, but oh the needs that have been met!

The first Transparent Faith post was back in October, shortly after the death of my uncle and the miraculous way God took us to Tampa and back. It was an immediate need that was met immediately. This go round, the need was immediate but also a longer process. This time it was about losing provision, shelter and even comfort and an old way of life. But I knew... I know that He loves me. I never got that before. I never understood why when I was suffering, people would come in droves saying "God loves you; He wants you to know that." I get it now. 

This process with the eviction was prolonged because I fought it and He allowed it knowing that I was scared. I was scared of change, of the unknown and even what people would think (those who know me know that is so not me). This by far, was one of the two worst things my family of four had been through. But I knew that I knew that I knew that He had us. I cried, I pleaded, I begged, I even denied that it was happening for a while, but there was a stillness, a peace in me that knew that it would and that He had us. 

We are now in the second phase of this current "homeless" journey even though we have a roof (staying with my mom), have all the necessities that most don't when they become homeless. I have no idea where this will take us but I know Who will take us through us. Even as I finish this blog up three months after this happened, the song Whom Shall I Fear by Chris Tomlin is playing on my worship playlist. That is no accident. Neither is any of this. I know that we have one more year here in Omaha and I need to get busy with my assignment here! I know that we will be moving soon, I believe to Ralston (a nearby neighborhood). I know that with the provision that is "dripping" out on us, when it finally pours from His window in heaven, it will be an incredible downpour for all!!

My point of this second part is to say simply hold on. In the midst of the chaos going on around you, your bills, your hurts, your pain, your sickness, your disappointments, your heartbreaks, your transgressions and trials..... hold on to His unchanging hand and He will not lead you astray. He never said we would not go through things, in fact in John 16:33 Jesus tells us we WILL. But even in what we are going through, His promise to never leave or forsake us is still there. Hold on to that, and in the days that you can't seem to grasp it or keep hold to it (I have had those days quite frequently) then hold Him to His word. Remind Him of His promises, yell, scream, and cry, whatever but get in His face. I guarantee and double dog dare you at the same time knowing that you will not leave the same!

Stay tuned for part III of this journey because He is not finished with me or you yet!!

Transparent Bag Lady

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden (burdened), and I will give you rest. Matt 11:28 (ESV)

My mom is frequently called the “Bag Lady” at her jobs. Whenever I pick her up it takes a good couple of minutes for her to get situated and in the car because she has so many bags. I often wonder, and I think have even asked a few times what she needs all the bags for. I don’t remember the answer she has given but I gather that the reason could be so she doesn’t forget anything, she brings everything. And yet she still forgets the simple things like her lunch or tags or even keys for work once. But what I noticed the other day is that she reaches out to my kids to help her or if I am in the house for me to grab a bag or two. I do so, sometimes begrudgingly, but only because I can see ways she can condense her need for these bags.

Isn’t that just the opposite of Jesus? He says to us, “Come to me, ALL who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” All we have to do is come! I love that He is not just calling some of us, or the church folk who are always decked out, or the leaders of the church, or even the crazy radical people who get out of their comfort zone quickly to meet someone at the door of God. No, He is calling for everyone. I quickly say that I believe it’s because those of us who know Him intimately can be ministered too and those who don’t know Him can get to know Him while He cares for them. Those who don’t know anything of Him can be introduced and leave with a new friend that sticks closer than any brother! I love that He cares for us just that much… but doesn’t stop there! He also gives us much needed rest when we enter His presence. How many friends or family can you say from the very minute you walked into their presence you felt lighter and much needed rest until you left? Only God can do that for us!

I started talking about my mom and her many bags she carries for a reason. When I have my kids with me to pick her up, they automatically go to her door or into her office to help her with her bags. She sometimes calls for them to help but they are usually already on the way in. There are even sometimes I go in and grab bags I know she is going to take with her, and this takes her by surprise because I don’t say anything, just grab them. What’s my point? God will do the same. We don’t have to ask Him to come and grab bags from us all the time. There are times that He will relieve us even before we cry out for help. And in the times that it’s necessary that we ask Him, it’s usually to help cultivate our communication skills with Him. He also doesn’t want us to just assume, “Oh God’s got it!” in times when we should be crying out. How great is our God!

My questions are what are the bags you need to release and which do you tend to hold on to? Are you going into His presence or just standing at the door waiting for some doorman to come grab the bags for you? And do you recognize when He does take some baggage from you whether you ask or not? Let’s spend a week in His presence, not His doorway, so that we can experience this bag free living He has in store for us! Come to Him!!

Lord, thank You for being an on time God who gives rest to the weary. Just as we say or form our lips to say I can’t take it, You step in and give us much needed rest from our burdens. Lord, I ask that for each person who reads this, You would give them that much needed rest. Whether it is from stress, unemployment, worry, doubt, bills, unproductive relationships, broken hearts, sickness, or whatever their burdens are, that You would give them rest. Allow them to taste and see that You are good. I pray this in Jesus name. Amen!

True Freedom

So this week has been a blister for me! I have prayed, planned, waited and spent what I really did not have for the sake of my only son graduating. I can truly say it's time to write a pamphlet for junior parents to warn them of the impending expenses they will incur senior year! I wish... oh how I wish someone more experienced would have said, "HEY!! This next year it will be expensive! If your child is in any sports, this is your cost. Any activities? This is the cost. If your child just wants to graduate and leave this portion of their life behind then this is your cost." I would have loved that! But now going through two different types of graduation and being able to afford parties, jackets, proms, pictures, graduation necessities and the like, I can put together a pamphlet for the unsuspecting victims (I am one of those too! Got a one more to go.)

So with all that I have learned a few things that I wanted to share with you this week. First, God must be first. I feel like when I pinch pennies and make Him wait, I am the only one who suffers. He isn't losing out because of my mere 10%, I am! That command was just that, a command. He is not like these "name it claim it mega churches who want you to pay for every little tear drop that comes from your eye or every prayer they pray for you! No! He has and because He already has, He wants us to have. But He knew already before clearance and BOGO were invented that if He was to just give with no expectation we (I really mean myself) would be going buck wild right now! We are to give back to Him as a testament of what He has already given us!Its out of mere obedience that He calls to do this because if He cant trust us with what isn't ours, why should we expect to get something of our own? I'm sorry. I got off on one of my self sermons. You know, when you have to yell at yourself, call out yourself and encourage yourself? Yeah I have to do that so often it's been labeled as schizophrenia. Well not really, thank God but I wonder sometimes! Anyway, instead of trying to budget MY money from now on, I am going to better manage HIS money He allows me. I really have to start thinking of it as His money and the consequences (see Matthew 25) I will have for dipping into whats not mine.

The second thing is freedom. God started showing me freedom which is what I really need. Not the car I don't have or the money that seems to be always missing from my account but true freedom in Him. Now I know very well that if I seek Him first and His kingdom and all His righteousness that all others will be given to me (Matthew 6:33) That happens to be my life verse so yeah I know that one. What I wasn't counting was the fact that I need to be free from all bondage even to go through some things. Example: If I'm not free to go through loss of job because I am so bound in the paycheck, bills and money I make, I will miss the lesson, call to persevere and blessing waiting on the other side. POW!! That was a hard blow for me because I just left my job.

The last thing is purpose. This is something I struggled with. I was always asking what mine was. It seemed that others knew theirs and were stepping into them while I was stepping into something less pleasant and more odorous. It seemed like every move I made was the wrong move, even when I knew it was or is a move I needed to make. I have to first seek Him and know that I was free in order to know my purpose. I had to understand that a simple question would lead me into where He was going to use me. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I, the adulterous, cheap, lying, stealing, gossiping, grudge hoarding, sex having woman... I could step into my destiny! The purpose He has for me is what I have been saying and desiring to be all along! I will be studying to be a life coach and counselor this fall. I don't know how that is going to look as I loathe school but I know that is what He has for me to do. In the meantime, I will be planning events, including weddings and birthdays, some for profit others for free. My only prayer remains the same as when I put in my notice to my job, "If this is Your will Lord, then take care of my family, my bills and our needs." I now have to put that trust in Him that He will, no matter what storm I walk through, I know He is with me and will NEVER forsake me!

Until next post..... have a great day... on purpose!