TBH... I WANT TO DIE!!

"Why wasn't I born dead? Why didn't I die as I came from the womb? Job 3:11



Can I just be honest and transparent for a moment… You know what, forget that! I started this blog a few years back when I was struggling with some things and he didn't exit, and also wanted to be transparent for other believers who are normally silenced in the church for being transparent… so with that being said, I am going to be honest and transparent! And for the believers, who can't deal with that, are uncomfortable with that, don't believe that that's something that should be done feel free to shake your "sandals" off at the door as you leave and I send you with God's blessings.

This entire year and a half has been, to say the least, a horrendous sifting season. I have gone from being evicted, stranded, broken, depressed and suicidal, too… aww heck I'm still there! And it doesn't seem that December is bringing any type of end to the struggle. I already have so many heavy loads on my shoulder that it's ridiculous! And now it seems that the situation will worsen by the middle of December… all I want to do today is sit in a corner, under a blanket, and silence and switch up between crying and screaming for the next two months. I almost feel like a kid who is just been told that they have to take on adult responsibilities with the $10 allowance that they have. I'm expected to pay bills that I don't have money for, I'm expected to stay strong, I expected to stay positive, I'm expected to stay upbeat and I'm expected to keep forgiving while people keep throwing or reminding me of my old dirt, including those close. What I really want right now… is to die. It's kind of that feeling when you're swimming in the ocean (I've never been swimming in the ocean before so I don't know) and just as you decide that you need to turn around because you're so tired, and then comes a massive, gigantic wave deciding that you are its latest victim and intends to swallow you up.

Have you ever been in that place? Have you ever felt so backed up against the wall, that it seemed the wall was even turning on you? I'm at the proverbial crossroads of anger/bitterness and hopelessness. Angry because I can't seem to get ahead, I can't seem to put a dent in what I have, I can't seem to succeed and hopelessness for… well, honestly, the same thing! This is crazy!!

But what's really crazy is this piece that won't seem to leave me alone. I mean, I know that I can't pay these bills plus what's about to be added on my plate, but I can't seem to panic like my flesh wants me to. There's a song that, although I don't listen to these two sisters anymore, just stays within me like a good piece of steak and potato that sticks to your ribs. Have you ever heard the song What is This by Mary Mary? I can't seem to get the lyrics out of my head! Of course there's also the song "I Have Peace Like a River" and "You are My Strong Tower" that just keep swimming around my head like little characters when the cartoons get bonked on the head really hard! Let's not even go into the vast array of Scripture that is coming up like heartburn when you are 8.7 months pregnant (ladies I know you know).

John 16:33 is a loud one. So is Psalm 46:1 but at this point, I don't want to be still. I want to SEE what is coming so that I can decide if I'm going to run or brace myself! There is Hebrews 11:1 but I think that my faith is about as cloudy as my vision without my glasses, right now (yes, I'm that blind!).

I want to do what Jesus told us to, to give Him our burdens and take on his instead. But I think I've been holding onto these burdens and allowing others to place there's on me for so long, that my hands of cramped up and won't seem to let go. So now what, Jesus? Now what do I do since my hands won't open up? What do I do, now that I feel like I'm in a stop and stalled car right smack in the middle of the busiest interstate in the world? What good is beating my chest, as Paul said to do, going to do me? What good is "confessing to one another" going to do me when so many people in Your Church don't want to hear the struggles because it reminds them so much of their own and those that are struggling have adapted to the world policy of "God helps those that help themselves"?

Yet I feel like the Psalmist (David) who declared how brittle his bones were, how dry his throat was, how much in despair he was and yet his soul hoped in God... and he encouraged his soul in this trying time. I know that I will.

I know that I will get pass this. I know that He has a plan, that He loves me, that He cares for me and that He plans for me to succeed, and not fail. That doesn't make the journey down this path any easier. So, just like a bus ride that I have rode so many times before, I will ride this one only this time with joy. It may not always be on the outside, I may not feel it, but I know that it is there. It doesn't change that I want to give up, that I want to die. It just changes the fact that I know I won't and that I know He will walk through this with me. It's not the first time and it won't be the last. All I will ask is that you who read this will pray for me. #Selah

Seasons Slump...

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; 2 Corinthians 4:8


The sound of bells jingling, the smell of fresh pine, cinnamon and baking in the air. The cheerful sound of "ho ho ho, Meeeeeerry Christmaaaaas!!” coming from the bellies of those dressed as Old Saint Nick and others and the appearance of season's greetings filling the air. But something else fills the air during this supposed joyous time. Much like the dreaded seasonal flu sicknesses taking flight in the air, being passed quicker than the school yard notes about the newest fight happening after school... depression catches on when we least expect it, before we can even deflect its damaging symptoms. Some don't even know they are depressed yet daily push people away, grumble at the season’s greetings... and even get kicked off of flights for the anger associated with depression.

I was one of those people up until a few years ago. No, it wasn't when I surrendered that I was freed from this isolating sickness but when I REALIZED that I was silently succumbing to depression. Every year somewhere between the middle of November and the beginning of December I would begin to retreat to my room. Usually, I would have faithful visitors in my room in the persons of my three kids. We would sit and watch TV in my room, listen to music, and when they wanted go outside and play, I would usually watch them from my room. There was only one thing wrong with my sickness... I did not know I was sick. Friends and family would call me and ask several times a week, "Are you okay?" and follow up with the comment, "You sound empty." You see, I thought I was doing a great job of hiding the loneliness, the despair and the feelings of not being good enough that seemed to be confirmed every time I stepped out of the house (usually for church). I apparently had gotten so good at it that I didn't even know when depression came to visit. I knew all I wanted to do was sleep, I knew all I wanted to do was stay in the house, I even knew there were times when I couldn't force myself to eat for weeks on end, even though I made my kids. I liken it to having a large animal (let's go with hippopotamus size) on my back or around my neck yet never knowing it. Even the first year that I had surrendered my life, I tried to make amends for certain things and actions towards family and friends but quickly sank right back into my cold, dark dungeon of a cell when I didn't feel the apologies were good enough. I felt, once again, like a failure and the enemy was right there to, faithfully, greeting me with the all too familiar "I told you so's".

But the enemy wasn't even the problem at that point... I was. You see I was free, I just didn't realize it. I knew at the exact moment when I was supposed to surrender, I knew that I heard God say to me "If you let Me, I will love you." What I didn't know was that I wasn't just surrendering my broken heart from a tumultuous relationship, I was to surrender even my broken dreams, my broken spirit and the lies that I had been told for years that seemed to surface like old coffins when the ground opens up from years past. I was still depressed.... there I said it; I even contemplated suicide a few times. The very thing I thought would free me, salvation, seemed to thrust me further into depression because I just could not get it right! BUT GOD!!

In the past 5 years, He has been showing me time and time again that I am worthy of His love, His time, His faithfulness! Let's face it! I have messed up quite a bit in the past 5 years, yet He still loves me! And not because of me but because of Him! That is the straw that broke the depression camel's back! At first, I couldn't understand why God kept sending people to tell me that He loves me during some of the darkest times of my life. It felt like I was sinking in quagmire (quicksand, I just really wanted to type the other word) and people kept walking by as I was calling for help and saying "God wants you to know how much He loves you." I could not wrap my mind around this statement. I felt like even saying some of those times, "I don't care!! How is that going to help me??" But it was the constant knowledge that He loves me that cushioned each fall, each push from someone, each disappointment, each bump in the road.

Depression is a mild cold that you can sleep away or "sweat out" the fever. Depression is a killer, plain and not so simple. For those of us who are Christians, who live out His Word, we need to set the example to those who do not. We can't do that if we are not transparent about our struggles. They will not see that we are human just as they are if they only see our "Sunday best" and nose turned up to most things done in the world. They will not know that Jesus is the Truth, the Way and the Life or that He cares for us as Scripture says if we are not SHOWING that we need it from time to time ourselves. For 2015, I want to start THIS year long, possibly LIFELONG challenge. That we would LIVE out the footsteps of Christ, that we would show others, not just tell them, that we have troubles just like them. I will be the first. My name is Felicia and I have suffered with depression, feelings of worthlessness and have had thoughts of suicide. But that's NOT who I am!

Father, thank You for Your faithful pursuit of us, Your constant wayward children. My heart cries for those who have to deal with depression as I have. Lord, help Your children who have overcome to be a true beacon of Light for those still in the darkness. Help us not to be disgusted with their appearance and ways but only with the sin that entraps them. "Give us Your eyes so that we can see..-Brandon Heath" In Jesus precious name! Amen!

If you suffer with depression or even think you do, call your doctor immediately. Here is a list of symptoms:

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/depression-signs-and-symptoms.htm

Transparent Defeat

"To defeat the darkness out there, you must defeat the darkness within yourself."- The Oppressor- The Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of The DawnTreader

 On yesterday, the 11th of August, 2014, Robin Williams apparently took his own life. He will never have a chance to make another movie. He will never have a chance to hear the Gospel again or walk on the beach or eat his favorite foods. Anything that he ever did on earth, he will never do again on earth. Why? Because his time here is gone. His life, as we know it, has expired. Or had it?

 I first saw Robin Williams on Mork & Mindy; it seems not so long ago. The premiere show was a hit and I stayed tuned until the last show which also broke my heart (okay I'm a crier en it comes to sad shows). The realization that I would never tune in to watch "nanu nanu", hit hard even for a military brat who was used to saying goodbye by that time. So to see the news of his death crushed me. But to know that it might have been because of suicide cuts even closer.

 You see I have had bouts with depression. Even more recent than the last two weeks. I know the closed in feeling that you cannot escape. I know the strangling of air that grabs you all of a sudden and demands you pay attention to defeat, the feeling that brings depression back in when you've conquered it. And although I may not know the personal things, I know what goes on in the minds of those depression has an unwanted relationship with, the darkness that plummets you into an even further black hole until you feel the only way out is through death. I've even tampered with that non changing reality as well.

Depression is a weapon the enemy seems to be winning more and more with. Even among those of us who know the Truth and the hope we have in Jesus. It seems that this is an even bigger truth, that it is even bigger than God when you are in the midst of this darkness. It seems that nothing or no one can pull you out. But that's where we are wrong. That's where I wish someone could tell each person who suffers with depression, each person that contemplates suicide well before they are able to test its guarantee of a way out of the darkness. As cliché as it sounds, Jesus is the ONLY way out. His words in red are loud and clear in the midst of being questioned by one who doubted him. "I AM the Way, the Truth and the Light" (John 14:6). That alone is a proverbial life saver in this very black sea called depression!

I wish that I was a journaler so that I could go back in my journals and explain, even write some of the thoughts that I said, that I cried out during that very dark time when I told my kids I would be back and drove to my mom's house, parked in her driveway and contemplated the best way to bring this to a final end. I wish I could tell you what I texted my kids other than that I loved them and that I was a failure to them and that they would be better off. What I can tell you is what my daughters text me back (my son was in a dark place himself and so did not respond). They told me that they loved me and exactly what God needed them to say.... He threw them as a rope and I grabbed for it. But it doesn't always end that way. Sometimes, like in the case of Robin Williams and the tens of thousands that suffer and succumb to this conquerable disease, it is more than life threatening. Sometimes it's permanent. For anyone reading this, I just want you to know that it doesn't have to be. You aren't better off and neither is your family. No matter how hard and cold and dark and lonely it gets, there is always hope if you reach out for Him. Alone, and even with medicine, it cannot be defeated. But in Him there is hope, and love and grace, and mercy. There is acceptance when you call out His name. No tricks, no hidden agendas, no lifelong toiling. Just. Call. His. Name.

Someone was sailing, actually heading back in as the waters were getting rougher and rougher. The sun was at the cusp of setting and the winds were getting crisp and picking up. Out the corner of his eye, he thought he saw two people in the abusive waters, fighting to stay above the waves. As he turned towards them, hoping his eyes were playing tricks, he confirmed that it was true and immediately went into action. Having only one other life jacket and a small life saver, he yelled out to them to hang on and stop moving as much as possible. To try as hard as they could to remain calm. He saw that they were trying to oblige his commands and the flailing about almost ceased. He was able to reach them and put the life jacket around one and was about to throw the life saver to the other when a monstrous wave threatened to stop him from saving both. The one who was to receive the saver began flailing and screaming again as the boater pulled the first in. His cries fell on deaf ears as the second person bobbed up and down in the waters, even well after the wave proved to be not so threatening. The boater finally jumped in with the saver and almost supernaturally reached the second person. He put the saver around the person and told him that he was going to be okay, just to keep his arms around the saver and he would pull him back to the boat. He turned and began swimming, thankful that the second swimmer had stopped panicking and was easier to pull. What he didn't know was that the man had already given up. Even with the lifesaver around him securely, only having to keep his arms around it, not even embracing, he had already sunk into a dark false truth that he was never going to get out. He had already said his goodbyes in his heart and was ready for death. By the time the boater got to the boat, and turned to pull him in, he noticed that the reason his load had been so light was that the second swimmer had never even put his arms around the lifesaver. He had never grasped onto the truth that he was saved.

This isn't a true story or even something I got out of a book. I just made it up. But how powerful a truth for even us who are in Christ. Even we can get entrapped by the lies of depression. Ours can be a little more dangerous as we will not seek help for fear of the stigma of being a weak Christian and the judgment that comes with it. That alone stifles out voice, not the enemy, but our agreement with him to never speak out transparently about things that make us seem weak. Guess what? We ARE weak! Paul said, ".... for when I am weak then I am strong." (2 Cor 12:10) How else can we reach the masses, how else can we go out into His fields with the harvest being ready, how else can make disciples of all nations unless we first "defeat the darkness within"? How many of our brothers and sister, leaders have to die before we say enough and stand in our conquering of death?

God, oh how I thank You for saving me. Not only through Your precious Son's sacrifice on the Cross for my sins but also each day that I walk into a dark place or become angry or am in need. You are indeed faithful, even when I am not, strongest when I am at my weakest. God, I pray for those who have been in that same dark narrow alley called depression. Your Word says, "even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death..." I pray that You would remind Your children, who can then remind or let those who don't know You know that they do not have to fear any evil. That You would remind us daily that even though we will have trials and heartbreak and disappointments and sicknesses and loss that You are with us. Your rod and Your staff that guide us. God remind us that You are our hope. My prayer is that suicide will begin to starve and eventually die away because no one will feed it's ever greedy fascination and hunger to have one more.... Pour out Your love... the love that saves and covers a multitude of sin. In Jesus name. Amen!

 

I want to leave with this Scripture, my daughter's life verse: "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world!" (John 16:33)

DISCLAIMER: If you are dealing with depression right now, God's Word is a great Source of help! I know it; it's what has kept me each time depression and suicide come back for more. Know that if there is depression, suicide is not far behind. And if you are not a believer or just can't seem to pray, know that I am praying for you and Jesus is interceding always on your behalf. Get help! If you are contemplating suicide and are in danger of following through, call 911! If you are depressed or have suicidal thoughts not yet manifested, call the following:

http://brokenbelievers.com/247-crisis-lines/

1-800-273-TALK (8255) or TTY 1-800-799-4TTY (4889) (for suicide)

1-888-NEEDHIM

Biblical help for youth in crisis 1-800-HIT-HOME

Rapha National Network 1-800-383-HOPE

Prayer and General Counseling www.prayerandhope.org, 1-866-599-2264

There is no pressure to know Jesus. They just want to give you the help that you need. Hold. On.

Who's in Arms For Your Pastor?

But Moses' hands grew weary, so they took a stone and put it under him, and he sat on it, while Aaron and Hur held up his hands, one on one side, and the other on the other side. So his hands were steady until the going down of the sun. Exodus 17:12

Pastor Teddy Parker, Jr. is a name most of the Christian community must now know. He made headlines after he shot himself while his wife, children and congregation waited for him to preach. Once it was known, I'm positive the spirit of gossip was loosed not only in his church but throughout every faith community as well as the unbelieving communities. This was not just a loss to his family or his church. This was a loss for all who are called to walk alongside their brothers and sisters in faith. Rumors were able to sprout up because no one wanted to say, "it's our fault. We should have done better as his brothers and sisters of lifting his arms." Is even said that just a few weeks prior, he helped another man who bent on committing suicide. My belief? That spirit of suicide was transferred unbeknownst to either man. That thought and my weekly prayers for pastors led me to write this challenge for all who attend church and claim a belief in GOD. 

In my prayers today, I prayed for courage and boldness in speaking GOD's in changing word. I also prayed for their call to be genuine, not manufactured and for their wives and children who undoubtedly walk the same path behind their pastor/ husband/ father. It's not only the pastors that endure that group of people who ALWAYS have a chiding word about something the pastor touched in that they wish to remain in the dark or to let him know the tickling of their ear was not as pleasant as other times. I think of Pastor Paul Sheppard who made it pebble level when he said "to have a word in season and out of season" refers to a word that may not be well liked but needed at the time. Or the women, single or not, who trow themselves at them, I think you get my drift. 

My question is, where are the arm lifters? Where are the ones who are supposed to be lifting them when all this is going on? These two men had to have seen Moses at his worst! He was tired, he was worn, he was, I'm sure, about ready to give up and his words made that fact known. We don't know what he said during this time but he was human, just as pastors are today. I don't care how much his faith was! If he had the anger to throw down HISTORIC tablets and proof of GOD's Word down or disobey, he was crying out in agony then. Aaron and Hur not only had to lift his arms, but his spirits as well! They had to encourage him, let him know they had him and he was not alone in this! Where are our "arm bearers" for our pastors today?? Are you called to be a passionate intercessor for your pastor? Trust me, not everyone is. But if you are called, you had better lock arms with him and get him through his rough times so that there will be times of victory as well! 

This pastor who sat alone in his car long enough to hear the spirit of suicide tell him to give up had someone assigned to intercede for him. Not just his wife. But an Aaron or Hur or both! And when he talked the man out of committing suicide, that should have been a time of intercessory for him!! This pastoral battle is not for the weak and fainthearted. But it is not meant to be walked alone either. Blessings....

LORD, thank You for placing on my heart a day to pray for pastors. Forgive me for not being as consistent as I should be but thank You for the grace that covers them when I don't. I pray that You awaken those who are called to be "arm bearers" and charge them to stand by their pastors side in battle as well as for their wives and children. In Jesus name! Amen!!