Transparent Faith II

And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19

This second post come months after the first one, which I did not intend. But I now see God had many other things for me to go through. This has turned out to be a longer journey through the desert than I could have ever expected, but oh the needs that have been met!

The first Transparent Faith post was back in October, shortly after the death of my uncle and the miraculous way God took us to Tampa and back. It was an immediate need that was met immediately. This go round, the need was immediate but also a longer process. This time it was about losing provision, shelter and even comfort and an old way of life. But I knew... I know that He loves me. I never got that before. I never understood why when I was suffering, people would come in droves saying "God loves you; He wants you to know that." I get it now. 

This process with the eviction was prolonged because I fought it and He allowed it knowing that I was scared. I was scared of change, of the unknown and even what people would think (those who know me know that is so not me). This by far, was one of the two worst things my family of four had been through. But I knew that I knew that I knew that He had us. I cried, I pleaded, I begged, I even denied that it was happening for a while, but there was a stillness, a peace in me that knew that it would and that He had us. 

We are now in the second phase of this current "homeless" journey even though we have a roof (staying with my mom), have all the necessities that most don't when they become homeless. I have no idea where this will take us but I know Who will take us through us. Even as I finish this blog up three months after this happened, the song Whom Shall I Fear by Chris Tomlin is playing on my worship playlist. That is no accident. Neither is any of this. I know that we have one more year here in Omaha and I need to get busy with my assignment here! I know that we will be moving soon, I believe to Ralston (a nearby neighborhood). I know that with the provision that is "dripping" out on us, when it finally pours from His window in heaven, it will be an incredible downpour for all!!

My point of this second part is to say simply hold on. In the midst of the chaos going on around you, your bills, your hurts, your pain, your sickness, your disappointments, your heartbreaks, your transgressions and trials..... hold on to His unchanging hand and He will not lead you astray. He never said we would not go through things, in fact in John 16:33 Jesus tells us we WILL. But even in what we are going through, His promise to never leave or forsake us is still there. Hold on to that, and in the days that you can't seem to grasp it or keep hold to it (I have had those days quite frequently) then hold Him to His word. Remind Him of His promises, yell, scream, and cry, whatever but get in His face. I guarantee and double dog dare you at the same time knowing that you will not leave the same!

Stay tuned for part III of this journey because He is not finished with me or you yet!!

Transparent Defeat

"To defeat the darkness out there, you must defeat the darkness within yourself."- The Oppressor- The Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of The DawnTreader

 On yesterday, the 11th of August, 2014, Robin Williams apparently took his own life. He will never have a chance to make another movie. He will never have a chance to hear the Gospel again or walk on the beach or eat his favorite foods. Anything that he ever did on earth, he will never do again on earth. Why? Because his time here is gone. His life, as we know it, has expired. Or had it?

 I first saw Robin Williams on Mork & Mindy; it seems not so long ago. The premiere show was a hit and I stayed tuned until the last show which also broke my heart (okay I'm a crier en it comes to sad shows). The realization that I would never tune in to watch "nanu nanu", hit hard even for a military brat who was used to saying goodbye by that time. So to see the news of his death crushed me. But to know that it might have been because of suicide cuts even closer.

 You see I have had bouts with depression. Even more recent than the last two weeks. I know the closed in feeling that you cannot escape. I know the strangling of air that grabs you all of a sudden and demands you pay attention to defeat, the feeling that brings depression back in when you've conquered it. And although I may not know the personal things, I know what goes on in the minds of those depression has an unwanted relationship with, the darkness that plummets you into an even further black hole until you feel the only way out is through death. I've even tampered with that non changing reality as well.

Depression is a weapon the enemy seems to be winning more and more with. Even among those of us who know the Truth and the hope we have in Jesus. It seems that this is an even bigger truth, that it is even bigger than God when you are in the midst of this darkness. It seems that nothing or no one can pull you out. But that's where we are wrong. That's where I wish someone could tell each person who suffers with depression, each person that contemplates suicide well before they are able to test its guarantee of a way out of the darkness. As cliché as it sounds, Jesus is the ONLY way out. His words in red are loud and clear in the midst of being questioned by one who doubted him. "I AM the Way, the Truth and the Light" (John 14:6). That alone is a proverbial life saver in this very black sea called depression!

I wish that I was a journaler so that I could go back in my journals and explain, even write some of the thoughts that I said, that I cried out during that very dark time when I told my kids I would be back and drove to my mom's house, parked in her driveway and contemplated the best way to bring this to a final end. I wish I could tell you what I texted my kids other than that I loved them and that I was a failure to them and that they would be better off. What I can tell you is what my daughters text me back (my son was in a dark place himself and so did not respond). They told me that they loved me and exactly what God needed them to say.... He threw them as a rope and I grabbed for it. But it doesn't always end that way. Sometimes, like in the case of Robin Williams and the tens of thousands that suffer and succumb to this conquerable disease, it is more than life threatening. Sometimes it's permanent. For anyone reading this, I just want you to know that it doesn't have to be. You aren't better off and neither is your family. No matter how hard and cold and dark and lonely it gets, there is always hope if you reach out for Him. Alone, and even with medicine, it cannot be defeated. But in Him there is hope, and love and grace, and mercy. There is acceptance when you call out His name. No tricks, no hidden agendas, no lifelong toiling. Just. Call. His. Name.

Someone was sailing, actually heading back in as the waters were getting rougher and rougher. The sun was at the cusp of setting and the winds were getting crisp and picking up. Out the corner of his eye, he thought he saw two people in the abusive waters, fighting to stay above the waves. As he turned towards them, hoping his eyes were playing tricks, he confirmed that it was true and immediately went into action. Having only one other life jacket and a small life saver, he yelled out to them to hang on and stop moving as much as possible. To try as hard as they could to remain calm. He saw that they were trying to oblige his commands and the flailing about almost ceased. He was able to reach them and put the life jacket around one and was about to throw the life saver to the other when a monstrous wave threatened to stop him from saving both. The one who was to receive the saver began flailing and screaming again as the boater pulled the first in. His cries fell on deaf ears as the second person bobbed up and down in the waters, even well after the wave proved to be not so threatening. The boater finally jumped in with the saver and almost supernaturally reached the second person. He put the saver around the person and told him that he was going to be okay, just to keep his arms around the saver and he would pull him back to the boat. He turned and began swimming, thankful that the second swimmer had stopped panicking and was easier to pull. What he didn't know was that the man had already given up. Even with the lifesaver around him securely, only having to keep his arms around it, not even embracing, he had already sunk into a dark false truth that he was never going to get out. He had already said his goodbyes in his heart and was ready for death. By the time the boater got to the boat, and turned to pull him in, he noticed that the reason his load had been so light was that the second swimmer had never even put his arms around the lifesaver. He had never grasped onto the truth that he was saved.

This isn't a true story or even something I got out of a book. I just made it up. But how powerful a truth for even us who are in Christ. Even we can get entrapped by the lies of depression. Ours can be a little more dangerous as we will not seek help for fear of the stigma of being a weak Christian and the judgment that comes with it. That alone stifles out voice, not the enemy, but our agreement with him to never speak out transparently about things that make us seem weak. Guess what? We ARE weak! Paul said, ".... for when I am weak then I am strong." (2 Cor 12:10) How else can we reach the masses, how else can we go out into His fields with the harvest being ready, how else can make disciples of all nations unless we first "defeat the darkness within"? How many of our brothers and sister, leaders have to die before we say enough and stand in our conquering of death?

God, oh how I thank You for saving me. Not only through Your precious Son's sacrifice on the Cross for my sins but also each day that I walk into a dark place or become angry or am in need. You are indeed faithful, even when I am not, strongest when I am at my weakest. God, I pray for those who have been in that same dark narrow alley called depression. Your Word says, "even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death..." I pray that You would remind Your children, who can then remind or let those who don't know You know that they do not have to fear any evil. That You would remind us daily that even though we will have trials and heartbreak and disappointments and sicknesses and loss that You are with us. Your rod and Your staff that guide us. God remind us that You are our hope. My prayer is that suicide will begin to starve and eventually die away because no one will feed it's ever greedy fascination and hunger to have one more.... Pour out Your love... the love that saves and covers a multitude of sin. In Jesus name. Amen!

 

I want to leave with this Scripture, my daughter's life verse: "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world!" (John 16:33)

DISCLAIMER: If you are dealing with depression right now, God's Word is a great Source of help! I know it; it's what has kept me each time depression and suicide come back for more. Know that if there is depression, suicide is not far behind. And if you are not a believer or just can't seem to pray, know that I am praying for you and Jesus is interceding always on your behalf. Get help! If you are contemplating suicide and are in danger of following through, call 911! If you are depressed or have suicidal thoughts not yet manifested, call the following:

http://brokenbelievers.com/247-crisis-lines/

1-800-273-TALK (8255) or TTY 1-800-799-4TTY (4889) (for suicide)

1-888-NEEDHIM

Biblical help for youth in crisis 1-800-HIT-HOME

Rapha National Network 1-800-383-HOPE

Prayer and General Counseling www.prayerandhope.org, 1-866-599-2264

There is no pressure to know Jesus. They just want to give you the help that you need. Hold. On.

Transparent Pressure

"We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair;

persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed—" 2 Cor 4:8-9 This week has been a doozy! I have been in some form of spiritual attack for a while but March 1st seemed to have intensified and magnified each feat the enemy brings my way.  This last one, I thought might crush me because it involved two of my children at the same time! Anyone that knows me knows that is a way to get to me, a "weak spot" of sorts with me.  Last summer, GOD led my oldest through a trial through her job that tested her and showed her some areas of concern such as fear of man and harboring anger. As much as I wanted to step in, I knew that I could not. While I guided her as much as I was allowed, it was not my fight but that didn't stop me from being angry at all involved.  This time around, it's my middle and youngest being attacked and that same anger and helplessness has bubbled back up to the surface. I know that this trial is not just for them but for me as well as this is bringing up muck in me that GOD simply cannot use and wants to file away in the File 13 far away from my, and their, hearts. This verse is and will be instrumental in this victory of ours.  My son has the desire to be a teacher/ track coach/ youth minister. That is not a desire manufactured by him or his surroundings but given him by GOD. His life, on the other hand has not really afforded what one would call or see as an exemplary life that would lead to such a high calling. Thank GOD there is no man on earth who is GOD! My son has had his prodigal son moment and still has some residue being removed but has been given a new robe by GOD. During his prodigal walk, he had isolated himself, had compromised and is a father in waiting. For man, this is looked at as unacceptable for his calling and some would have him not only reminded constantly by man made consequences but also deter him to another calling that is not as high up. In this instance, is leadership in the place where he has chosen to help out with track. Through others eyes and words, he has been deemed unfit to help coach without even so much of a personal conversation, just judgment. He was "hard pressed" but not crushed and I reminded him of that. Although leadership did not take the biblical stance when having something against a person who has sinned, my son will be. Am I angry, yes. I trusted this person and because they are Christian I held them to a higher standard and forgot (just as he has done with my son) that we all fall short. Stamp this one as lesson learned.  My daughters attack has been on her health. She had what we thought was back pain, mom-diagnosed as sciatica but not because of physical strain but a spiritual attack. This entire weekend has been a tiring strain for both of is as she struggled to get comfortable and even pleaded that she only desired to sleep. Yesterday I found out differently. She had an incredibly large boil that had manufactured, it seemed, out of nowhere on her backside. I felt that anger rising up again but this time was ready! I had already that morning been in communion with GOD and renounced the spiritual root and was ready for battle. I had no idea it would be so intense. The day started with me leading her in prayer to renounce the same and to be released of the harness of burdens she was not to carry (she is a burden bearer) and she had a good day! And then we started home. An obnoxious smell (anyone with knowledge of a boil knows) filled the car and we went in search of it relentlessly but it wasn't until my daughter got out and we saw a wet stain, did she search herself. I hope somebody got that. A spiritual boil is just as painful as a real one. To get rid of it can be even more painful as pressure needs to be applied after a cut (double edged sword) is made. There is an offense (smell) and it will need to be searched out if you are unaware of the source of your pain.  Well we found the source was this boil. I was instructed to send her to ER and more rose up in me. I hate ER, I hate germs and I hate being around sick people that don't take care to block others from their germs (I'm being honest). But I had to get over all this to get my daughter the help needed. What a battle this was in my head! I won't go into details of the pain and agony my child was in as they got rid of this thing as I sat with her helpless to end her pain and crying. No, I wasn't helpless. I could have stopped them. I could have said never mind or no more. But I knew this was for the greater good. Isn't that how GOD is with us? Isn't that how He was with Christ? He doesn't sit idly by wringing His hands. He is with us, comforting us, encouraging us, never leaving or forgetting about us. One thing my daughter kept asking was "where's nana?" I wondered why she didn't ask where I was but then it dawned on me. She KNEW I was there! She knew I wasn't leaving! THAT'S how GOD wants us to be! He wants us to be that confident through our trials. He reminds us of this much like I reminded my daughter in her morphine induced state of what her favorite (life) verse is... and she still knew it! John 16:33.... Which reminds us that we WILL go through things, that we can be sure of. But we can also be sure that Jesus has overcome this world and that GOD will NEVER leave us!  My daughter is still working at her job and has overcome the challenges of hiding from those who seem to be after her. My son is no worse for the ware and will nevertheless teach, coach and spread the GOOD News that Jesus can use and call anyone no matter how rugged their paths have been. My youngest daughter is coming down from the morphine high, still in pain but getting back to herself. Me? I have learned that I can't save my kids all the time, I have hidden anger and offense and that healing is not always easy. Sometimes it comes from pain.

Transparent Floodwater

When you go through deep waters,

I will be with you.

When you go through rivers of difficulty,

you will not drown.

When you walk through the fire of oppression,

You will not be burned up;

the flames will not consume you. Isaiah 43:2

This week we are on our knees interceding for the East Coast again for the second hurricane, Sandy. There are those fasting and praying for people they don’t even know because of the lost state the nation is in and how we have begun to think foolishly. People are staying in their homes when they should be evacuating, they are not taking proper precautions when they should be prepared. But when the storm is over, they are throwing up their fists at God because of the destruction and/ or seeking answers to the question, “If God really loves us, why does He keep punishing us?” or “Why does God allow bad things to happen?” and finally coming to the conclusion because of lost loved ones or materials, “There must not be a god. He wouldn’t allow any of this to happen. He would save us if he existed.” So I want to take a moment or two to be transparent about things going on now and how that last statement is NEVER true.

About a week and a half ago, there was about 7-9 murders in our city of Omaha. All were somehow gang-related or innocent people in the way of mindless shooters. Two of those affected me personally because I knew one, he was a classmate of my youngest child and I visited him in DCYC, and the other though I had never met him personally, I know the mother of one of his children and one of his daughters very well. I felt hurt and anger on the same day because I had heard about both on the same day. I can remember driving to my daughter’s football game where she is a cheerleader with many different thoughts, about as many as the tears that flowed for these lost souls who will never be seen again on earth. Asking God why, feeling bad for being thankful that my children are alive, getting angry with those who killed them, being angry that God allowed it even. And then peace came over me. Psalm 91:7 came to mind and how these senseless violent acts will happen. This verse in Isaiah says it perfectly. Did you notice it or did you just scroll over the one word that makes this verse so powerful like I did so many times? Read it again, I’ll wait…. See it this time? There are 3 sentences in this one verse. All three sentences have different things that are described as happening, assuredly, guaranteed. How do I know? Because all three sentences begin with the word “when”, not “if”. See the difference? This is assured to happen just like when you breathe in you are assured to have oxygen enter your body. Guaranteed just like if you slap a wild tiger in the face when they are asleep, they are guaranteed to wake up and tear into you if you are silly enough to stand there and wait.

With these and plenty other local deaths, along with the death of Michael Jackson a few years ago, Whitney Houston earlier this year and other well known famous people I grew up with, I am becoming well aware that death is real. Not that I wasn’t before. I had to face it when I was a teenager and my grandmother, my favorite person, died of ovarian cancer. My heart shattered more than I, my parents, or anyone else knew. It was my first close experience with death because at that very moment when I saw her in her casket, I knew she wasn’t ever coming back. I couldn’t even go to the burial, well get out of the limo. It did more to me than I actually knew. I know now looking at pictures of that day I don’t even remember being in.

            That’s life. Growth, hurts, sickness, disease, brokenness, sadness, death are all part of this cycle we call life. What separates some of us from the rest is a four letter word. H-O-P-E. Those who are IN Christ, not that post on Facebook about Him or go to church to sit through a teaching about his life or casually say we love God, we have hope. We know that this world will at some point end and with it our hurts, trials and heartaches. But even we forget from time to time. It’s like a big wave coming at you on a beach and you stand tall to feel the force of it, but when it comes, it still knocks you down and you may still inhale a little water from it. We all have trials, tests, and things we don’t want to go through but to be able to go through stuff knowing God has promised to never leave or forsake us makes it so much easier! It’s like doing a Beth Moore Bible study with Beth Moore. No one can teach her courses like she can. No one can get you through the rough patches like God can or nothing for that matter! The question is will you go through your hardships of life that WILL happen with or without the Author or Finisher of your life? I mean, would you travel without a map or GPS? Would you take a class online without ever speaking to the instructor? Would you fix or build something you never had before without the manual? If you have done any of the above before, how did it turn out for you? John 16:33 assures us that “in this life we will have tribulation.” But the second part is a promise that we need to cling to. “But take heart (have courage); I have overcome the world (I already won the war!). How many wars have you heard a president say that for? And wouldn’t you go through it more confidently if they were able to make that promise? God had a Son named Jesus that He sent here to earth to do just that. Through His death on the Cross, despite the sins already committed, we are committing right now and what has yet to be committed, He died a horrible death to save us. His blood was shed so that we can live life to the fullest, through Him, even with the many disappointments, heartaches, trials and tribulations He PROMISED we would have. Take full advantage of it dear ones, don’t let His death be in vain as many dying nowadays have been, are and will be.

Let’s pray. Dear God, thank You for sending Your only Son to die the death we deserve for us! There are so many who ask the question, “what kind of father would let his son die for those he doesn’t know?” Thank You for being that kind of Father that loves us enough and thinks of us enough to give such a sacrifice we could never even repay. Today I say again that I will live my life indebted to You Jesus for Your sacrifice on the Cross. You could have come down but You stayed. When I think of the many sins I have committed, am committing still and will commit I know without You I am not worthy and would not make it through these times. I pray that after reading this, others will come to that same conclusion and surrender what they thought they could control, their lives, over to you. Be with those who have lost, who feel no hope and Lord, those who have turned away. Be also a Refuge for those in the midst of this storm, any storm whether physical or spiritual. In Jesus name. Amen!

Transparent Provision

I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living!

Wait for the Lord;
be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the Lord! Psalm 27:13-14

There is one who scatters, and yet increases all the more, and there is one who withholds what is justly due, and yet it results only in want. The generous man will be prosperous, and he who waters will himself be watered. Proverbs 11:24-25

Three years ago, God gave me a promise that He would give me a vehicle. He, of course, didn’t say how or what kind, just that at the end of three years He would supply. It’s one of the craziest things I have held onto and I view this as my Abraham experience. I have had, since that time, a car that was bought for me by my mom, the use of her car and even funds to rent a vehicle for about a year. (Yes, I know the money scholars are doing the math on that one, the money spent to rent could have been saved up to buy. S/N It’s funny how people who already have are quick to give advice to those who don’t have yet not help to attain that which they need. If I already HAD a car, then yes renting one would be silly, but as I had none and the bus was not an option due to my hours, renting was my best bet. And God provided faithfully during that time! Okay, S/N out and off of my pedestal.) I’m not sure of the exact month, but I know that 3 years is nearly up and I am wondering, was that God? Did I hear Him right? Should I just go and buy a car? Do I not have the faith I need to receive my blessing? And that led me to pray to Him this morning and ask, “God did I hear You right? How do I place my faith in action when I pray constantly and thank You in advance for my vehicle?” The answer He gave was to tell people. Tell my story so in its unfinished version so that He can turn it into a testimony when it is time!

I have personally witnessed God’s goodness in my life more times than I can count! His healing, financial, physical and spiritual faithfulness still blows my mind every time He moves on my behalf! When I found the verses to write this post, He had just blown my mind again! I was down to $6 and some change in my account with bills due and one morning after praying, I looked in my account and where there should have been a payment from Unemployment for just over $200, there sat in my account a payment of a little over $1000!!!! Let me type that out!! A LITTLE OVER A THOUSAND!! My patience and endurance while struggling with just child support (yes I am being so transparent) was rewarded and they back paid me!!!! Wow GOD!!! I had enough to bless others and pay bills!!! He is now showing me that He is my provision, He is the Signer of my “paycheck.” And as hard as it has been, I know that to be true. He has provided for my daughter’s tuition at Omaha Christian Academy and I believe He will continue by paying her tuition for this year in full!!

Psalm 27 says that we WILL SEE the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. That means now!!! Yes it will be according to our measure of faith, where He has us, but if we stop complaining and look, I believe we will indeed see this goodness! I love that promise! How many times do you go through something, He brings you through and the next issue or trial you have, you find yourself in the doubt pool crying and telling God about your problems again? I am learning that the saying, “Stop telling God about your problems and tell your problems about your God,” is so true! God knows what we go through! His Word says He has ordained our days so how would He not? Jesus warns us, kind of like a ride operator warns us about the ride we are about to experience, that we WILL have hardships and trials in this life but to “take heart”, that means to have confidence, do not be afraid, be strong; He has overcome the world. (John 16:33) Do you believe that? To waver in whether you believe that or not is to waver in your faith in Christ at all. I mean think about it, He was sent here for us to overcome so that we could overcome. How could we believe that He came and not the reason? That’s like believing that there is a cure for cancer but when you are diagnosed, you don’t take it. Now that’s crazy!! HE IS THE CURE!! Won’t you take your Medicine today?

Let’s pray. Oh God, that we would so believe in what You promise us. That we would walk in victory during the storm and not just after it. That the storms of this life would not drench us to the point that our affect is changed and we wallow in disbelief until the storm is actually over. NO! That we would sit in the confidence You have for us (Job 1:8) and when the storms, attacks and persecution comes we would stand firmly on the Rock by which Your Church is built. Lord speak to each of us today and replenish the confidence that has been taken or given. Thank You that You are Jehovah Jireh; You are my Provider and my Provision. I trust You Lord. In Jesus name. Amen!