Transparent Anger

Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger,

and give no opportunity to the devil. Ephesians 4:26-27 "The godless in heart cherish anger; they do not cry for help when he binds them. They die in youth, and their life ends among the cult prostitutes. Job 36:13-14 Every day, thanks to the media, we see injustice acted out on blacks. A man is shot while running back away from the police, a young boy is shot while pointing a toy gun in a park, a riot happens in a city while the mayor and city officials sit by until it "gets out of hand", a young man is killed because he is walking in an apartment hallway with his girlfriend. We hear the questions that are asked. "Why?" "Where does it end?" "Where is the justice for us?" We put on new slogans, pictures and gestures to protest and bring attention to the supposed genocide of a race like, #blacklivesmatter, #handsup #notasavage #dontshoot, wearing black hoodies even in professional settings, lying down in the middle of intersections and riots. We cry out "JUSTICE" for the slain and to the law officials who have allowed these rogue humans to enter the one job where it is of utmost importance to be neutral towards race, sex and more. "To serve and protect", what happened to that mission statement of the police? When did it become about attacking before investigating and shooting to kill rather than to injure? When did we become the hunted? Let me tell you when. I've decided to take a turn to discuss a very emotional, very heated, very volatile subject today so bear with me as I gracefully write this to shed light on both sides and share what I believe the truth is. Because this is a Christian blog and I only speak what is Truth from the Bible, it will be no different here. I welcome all comments but warn that this is not a debate, a trolling area or a place to throw insults. I respect your opinion and expect the same for anyone choosing to comment, language is ABSOLUTELY NOT permitted. The first Scripture that was chosen is one that explains what we should be doing and how. As you can see, we ARE allowed to be angry. As Christians, we are not called to be passive, weak children of God; we just aren't supposed to throw stones and point fingers at every sin... That's for another blog. As black people, it is exactly the same. For 300 plus years, we have been carrying around a burden, an anger that is not ours. Yes, blacks were brought over under false pretenses; yes, they suffered mightily under those who were their "lords" and "masters"; yes, we have racial profiling, authorities who abuse their power, a government who would like to keep us bound and a society that views us all as animals and rogues. BUT those who have scars on their backs did so for us. They became land owners, business owners, teachers and professors, world renown and respected FOR US. And yet today, we are still screaming about some 40 acres and a mule? To listen to the voices of those who were before us, I hear the hurt, the pain, the disbelief and disappointment. They lost lives, families, spouses, children, dignity, virtue, and skin. BUT through all that loss, they gained freedom not only for themselves but for us as well. In those same voices, I hear freedom, determination, success, victory, love, and a godly fear that was passed down. But then our circumstances began to rise above their voices. Our problems began to get bigger than their warnings and the Truth they gave us. We began to despise our beginnings because they aren't "aggressive enough" and "demanding enough". We then began to listen to those who would give us whatever entitlement told us was ours. Greed stepped in and it wasn't enough, what our ancestors left us. And we forgot what they taught us through their suffering. We decided that even though Jesus in John 16:33 tells us That we WILL have strife as long as we live, that we didn't need to suffer anymore. They paid our debt and we should get back to being kings and queens like they were in Africa, Jamaica and other countries. But we never looked into their pasts to see the work they did. That's when anger started to take a turn for the worse... It was less righteous anger that thrust us into making changes in ourselves and in society, it became about outlawing the "Man". Thus today, we have enabled, excused, vindicated and even overlooked those generations of passed down hatred, aggression and rage. We look at what other races are doing and want it. We point the finger at them when our black males are impregnating and leaving, selling and exploiting women, killing each other and whoever else is in their path, whether literally or verbally. Our black women are emasculating our black men and sons, teachings our daughters that even though we hate them, in order to get somewhere we must act like white women, turning on each other and betraying our sisters and ourselves each day. Our business owners are the ones who have higher prices and expect more from us while being crooked and looking out only for self. Our black leaders do the same while making a bad name for us. We are a people who if we would only unite, under the Most High, would take over. Why do you think we are kept in fear of discipline our next generation, sending our sons out to play or live, our daughters to do the same, put knowledge and success in books yet keep them from the poverty stricken schools and our kids away from the wealthy ones? Because what the majority knows is IF we united, we would become a force to be reckoned with! To the majority, I simply say that I appreciate your efforts to help. I appreciate the churches that come into the black and poverty neighborhoods to help. I leave this with you. If you TRULY want to help: 1. ask us what we need, not tell us 2. do what you say you will, not change the rules of the game 3. don't give in to the anger of which you have no personal knowledge; empathize, not sympathize 4.  you are NOT our savior but brothers and sisters sent to HELP, not save, conquer or command 5. we bleed the same. If you are not able to walk by a black person and fear not run through you, please stay away until the love of Christ is louder than your fears. Those who are enemy driven will smell that and flock to you to take advantage. Here is my assessment. We ALL need each other, the Church DEFINITELY does not matter of what color you are. When we, the Body, get rid of black churches and white churches and Hispanic and so on and ask forgiveness of our sins... THEN will He hear from Heaven... You know the rest (II Chronicles 7:14). That's when we will be able to make an impact on the rest of the world! When we stop seeing colors and begin seeing our sins, dealing with them and pouring out love.  http://memory.loc.gov/ammem/collections/voices/

Something Lacking... Part

Then Jesus went with them to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to his disciples, "Sit here, while I go over there and pray."

And taking with him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, he began to be sorrowful and troubled.

Then he said to them, "My soul is very sorrowful, even to death; remain here, and watch with me."

And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, "My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will."

And he came to the disciples and found them sleeping. And he said to Peter, "So, could you not watch with me one hour?

Watch and pray that you may not enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak."

Again, for the second time, he went away and prayed, "My Father, if this cannot pass unless I drink it, your will be done."

And again he came and found them sleeping, for their eyes were heavy.

Matthew 26:36-43

Jesus, at this point, was so close to his death that his flesh wanted to take over. So what did he do? He prayed... He didn't panic, he didn't lash out at others, he didn't on a drinking, drugging, killing, spending spree... He prayed. And he took those who he knew could also lift him in prayer. But, like us, they were human focused.... You see, Jesus was God focused. The disciples were Jesus focused and most (before the Twelve) never went past being focused on Jesus, and the Twelve who were taught by him closely could not go any further until all of his words became truth to them.

Even before his death, they who were brought by him to pray for him, were sleeping. They tried to keep watch and heavy sleep overcame them each time. My belief is that this was done to show them their flesh... Jesus a tone point told them, "The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak." (Matthew 26:41) This wasn't to show who he loved more, this was to show that he loved despite of our weakness. We all fall short, we all have days where we forget or have to consciously remind ourselves to pray or read in our Word. Yet He still loves us. He warned them and us at the end of this chapter that we can sleep and rest later, but during times of extreme struggle and trials, in those times when we feel like we could die (Matthew 26:38), we need to know that sleeplessness and restlessness will come from time to time.

There is a trend we are right in the middle of, myself included, where in the wee morning hours, even before the sun is up, we wake up out of our sleep and reach for our links to social media. I've seen it and done it.... You see the words from believers that have become a banner for the early risers... "why am I up," instead of "I'm up, who can I pray for?" And this is no means for condemnation! I have been there and then beat myself up for wasting such precious time. But this is what's missing... what's lacking in the verse from Matthew 26. We are lacking the drive, the stamina, the strength to pus through our flesh who has become as loud as ever and listen His Spirit within us. We then use the excuse "Hey, I'm human," or "God knows my heart!" Yes we are and yes He does! That's where the issue lies! He knows that we are merely human and need guidance. That's why Jesus walked the Earth instead of just "dying on the cross for us", to show us how to do this as a human. He was human "and yet did not sin" (Hebrews 4:15). He also knows our heart, that' why Jesus had to come be a living sacrifice for us, because our heart, our flesh is evil. But just as Jesus pushed past the pain he KNEW he would go through for us who repeatedly turn our backs to Him, we need to do the same when it comes to our flesh and feelings. It's also why He sent Holy Spirit after Him. Because He knew we would need a constant Teacher to guide us.

Lord, forgive our unknowing and blatant sin of feeding this vile flesh! Help us to starve this ticket to hell and nourish our spirit by following Yours! Help us to fill the void... what's lacking with Your Word and not with idle or idol things.... Thank You for Your grace and mercy in dealing with us, Your children. In Jesus name! Amen!

It IS Well...

Whether it is good or bad, we will obey the voice of the LORD our God to whom we are sending you, that it may be well with us when we obey the voice of the LORD our God." Jeremiah 42:6



This song, It Is Well by Bethel, has been haunting me, following me ever since I first heard it. It seems that it is synonymous with the plague or trials that have been stalking me in excess of 12 years now, one after the other. Up to this point, I have learned the Truth in bits and pieces and it was very much visible to others with my actions and reactions. The original version by Horatio G. Spafford speaks so clearly the verse that tells us to give "sacrifice of praise". In an article I found while trying to make sure this song wasn't watered down, the author speaks of Mr. Spafford's continuous struggles. Starting with the death of his son and ending with the death of his three daughters, financial ruin and a captain of a ship that thought he should know that they were moving over the very spot where his daughter's had died. (By Tina Truelove, It Is Well With My Soul, the Story Behind The Hymn) How crazy is that? How do you lose your children, your fortune, virtually everything you have yet make such a powerful hymn? Because he knew Who held his future, Who was in control. He epitomized the very first chapter of Job because it truly was, no matter what was surrounding him, well with his soul. Out of pain and anguish, loss and brokenness birthed this powerful song.


When I first surrendered my life, asked Jesus into my heart, knew that my life was a mess and only He could fix it; however you want to say it, it was out of a week filled with sleeping around with depression and suicide, swimming in festering pity and surrounded by greed, hatred and intense anger. The very moment I heard His voice, I knew I needed Him so much more than I needed this life I tried to keep with a man who did not want to be kept, but wanted to keep me to himself. I can say that it was NOT well with my soul though I tried to make it seem that way to everyone else and myself.

But my journey was a typical one of faith. I did begin to seek Him, I did begin to hear from Him and even though decisions at that time concerning my life, family and even church were by far the craziest, I knew that was the way He had directed me to go. My issue is that I thought it was because that was His will for me. But that would mean He wanted depression, struggling, poverty, brokenness and strife for me. His Word says the contrary. Now that I look back, He was directing me in what has been the longest, hardest desert I have been in yet, not to punish me but to grow me. There are flowers that distinctly grow in the desert amidst all the sand, scorching sun and dry land. They survive the scorching sun, the dry land with barely or no water yet they grow into some of the most beautiful flowers I have seen. In researching these flowers, I found out that there are those flowers that are only pretty to look at, those with either medicinal purposes or smell good and those that have both medicinal purposes AND very fragrant. I am wondering which we all are. ALL of us will go through a desert season, but how we come out, or bloom, is what makes the difference between a bitter, pungent smelling flower or a fragrant one that can bring healing to others.

One thing I do know about seeds and flowers is that it comes at the price of another flower. Seeds are not just planted by us self seeking humans who believe life only happens if we make it.  Whether a bees pollinates another flower or it wither and dies to release its seeds, life begins there. What we see is the aftermath of many dark days, many grueling nights for the seed as germination begins. Much like pregnancy when the egg is fertilized and growing begins on the outside. We as women can feel sick, we have mood swings during pregnancy, we ache, we itch, and we begin to see our body do things we never thought possible or said it wouldn't. We, and the seed underground, are stretched beyond reason, but not too far. God promises that we will not be given what we cannot bear (1 Cor 10:13), no temptation will overcome us. This simply means that HE already knows what we can bear, not by our understanding but by His standards. He knows that we can do it, that we can handle it, even when it feels like we can't. But at the end of the pregnancy, at the end of the time allotted for the flower to bloom there is beauty. Did you catch that? I just did! AT. THE. END. Now don't take a deep breath and say finally, no more struggles. Jesus warned us that there would be "in this life", in our lifetime but that we should take heart because He already won the battle for us! A pastor that I listen and learn from frequently said in a recent message, "we don't fight for victory, we fight FROM victory." -Pastor Paul Sheppard, There's an App For That. How freeing is that!

Today, it is well with my soul. I can say that honestly. I can also say I am blessed beyond measure (Ephesians 3:20). Not because of what I have or what has happened or my healing or even how great my life is at this moment. No, I'm still broke; I'm still without a house of my own or vehicle. I still don't know where all the money I needed within a few weeks span for bills and graduation will come but what I do know is that it is well with my soul. Why? Because my circumstances do not feed my soul, He does.... Is it really well with your soul today? Do a self check, take a few quiet minutes to assess how you act, react and take things in context. Do a soul check because you saying the right thing, doing the right thing or going the right way doesn't feed your soul, being in His Word, allowing Holy Spirit to check you every once in a while and surrendering does. What seeds are planted in you during your desert season and bloom?

Seeing In the Dark

Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him. Job 13:15a


Why are you cast down, O my soul,

and why are you in turmoil within me?

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,

my salvation and my God. Psalm 42:5-6

Why are you cast down, O my soul,

and why are you in turmoil within me?

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,

my salvation and my God. Psalm 43:5

Today has already been a hard day... It started out as any other. I woke up, read my Bible plan for the day (I even did it before looking at Facebook) and prepared to take my mom to work. I woke my youngest up as she gets ready while I am gone. Last night she had a little attitude because I got on her about not moving when I tell her to do something and even addressed her mumbling to her brother (he's next for listening and not correcting). But this morning, she was fine and even joyful! A new day, thank You Lord! I dropped her off, came to get my oldest and take her to work and my focus began to shift to how little gas we have (for the rest of the week, mind you). I stopped focusing on God and began focusing on what I didn't have. The enemy settles in so subtly and then goes in for the kill... 

By the time I got back, I knew my prayer time would be rough but I was okay, so I thought. I turned on my prayer playlist on YouTube and got ready... and then the tears began. The shame began to flow through, the the guilt rose up... again. Last night replayed and how my youngest wanted seconds but we didn't have enough and so she seemed disappointed. I seemed to have been too busy to recognize my broken heart over that until today. Emotions seemed to sweep over me... what I can't do, how I am not equipped, how tired I am of things, what I need... Me me me... 

I read a prophetic word that was anonymously given on Sunday to me and even that seemed to bring more tears of how worthless I am, alone. This seemed to be a rough chaffing day, a day of God removing some things that were deeply planted in my heart. And even as I replayed our eviction, the many times in need, the bills I can't seem to catch up to, the tuition and teachers who count on it I let down, my daughter's trip in less than two weeks which I don't have the money for (less the donation given). I seem let everyone down or say what shouldn't be said or continuously ask for things (beg)... 

So as I cried, I wrote this down (bare with me, it's long):

My confessions: I'm tired of being broke. I'm tired of not having what's needed. I'm tired of being homeless and my kids sleeping on the floor or not having what they need. I can't seem to do this right, not even at the end of my daughter's last year. I can't seem to fight procrastination and spending. I can't seem to stay focused. I can't do this. I am broken. I am alone. I am lonely. I am without help. I am lying to myself and others when I seem okay or good with it. I am not. I am always 3 steps behind when there are blessings to be had. I need help. I need to hear Your voice, Your wisdom, Your instructions for me. I need provision. I need to see the manifestations. I need to have faith and trust You more. I need to know and see that this is almost over. I repent of my selfish perspective and vain imaginations. I repent of my pride. I repent of my attitude and lack of focus. I repent of not seeking Your Kingdom and not following through. I repent of not seeking Your face but instead Your hands. I repent of keeping some of my life away from You. I repent of serving manna, not You. HELP MY UNBELIEF!!!!! I don't believe the provision will come. I don't believe I will receive Your promises because I don't deserve them. I don't believe that someone will bless us with a vehicle and house but that you want me to work for it all, not so ministry. I don't believe I can do what's needed to prepare my kids for their futures. 

And then I realized that something was happening. I was hearing truths spoken in my spirit as I spoke out these emotions and lies and venom about His daughter whom He loves. My feeling are real, my thoughts are real, how I feel right now is real... But His truth in my life is even more real. So then as I read this out loud, I realized some truths and said these things: I'm tired but You are my strength. You said I could come if I am weary and you would give me strength. I can't but You can. You said with me this is impossible, but with You ALL things are possible (that just choked me up again, dang it! I'm almost out of tissue). I feel like nothing right now but I am made new in You. You said You would never leave me nor forsake me. You would never see Your seed begging bread. I do need, but it's You that I need. You said You would give my daily bread and in that I need to trust. As I repent, I know I am forgiven. 

In the course of this crying out, wanting pass over the bad stuff and realizing I need more of His presence, not what's in His wallet, I am still worried, I am still stressed, I can't see my way out of this darkness... But He can. And that's all I need to rest in right now. 

If I go or not, if my daughter is able to go or not, if we lose the rest of what we have, we STILL have CHRIST and that can never change. He never leaves or forgets us, we walk away and forget Him. 

Thank You God for walking me through this painful reminder today that You are all that I need. I still hope that all turns out well and that someone will bless us with what is needed to go, to move in, to drive but even if none of it happens, Your Word is still true and You are still good and for that I worship you.