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Thanks for visiting my blog! I pray that you get something out of my being transparent and that God will continue to use me even to speak to one!! Feel free to click follow or follow by email! Be blessed... and transparent!

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

My Transparent Response to Dan Turner, father of Brock Turner

Dear Mr. Turner, father of Brock Turner... 

I wrestled with writing this because I don't know if it will reach your family or not. But I'm going to do it anyway for those that it will reach and possibly change the minds of those possibly think like you. 

First, I do not judge you for I am a parent too. My son was in trouble once, age 13 when he was arrested and I felt entirely helpless to the situation. That is where or connection stops. You see, much like your son did the crime he was arrested and tried for, my son chose to do what he did. It was out of lack of his father not being consistent, my being in school and working whenever I could and not really knowing how to raise a boy on my own... But all of those excuses aside as well as the excuse that he had @never been violent" or in trouble before that, he DID it. I, as the parent, held my son fully responsible for his choices. I called the police. I made sure that he told the truth and even when he was let out in my custody, I made sure that he was in counseling and went to every single appointment required. I have failed many times as a parent but where I have not is to allow my child to think that the excuses of his circumstances, grow him into a entitled human as your son is. 

Now let me explain why I am writing to you and not your son. Because you are the parent and even though he was 20 when this occurred, the explanation you have screamed loudly of the privilege that you allowed to ferment in him to create such a selfish and entitled personality as someone who would rape an unconscious young lady. In fact, as someone who was raped, let me firmly tell you that whether she was conscious or unconscious, his act was violent in nature. And unless you just knew nothing about previous acts, I would guess that this wasn't the first time... Rape is not about sex which is not violent. Rape is about controlling someone to feel empowered over them. While rape does not always include a beating or murder, the "20 mins" you spoke of (by the way, how did you or he know how long if he does not remember), the longstanding implications that it brings on the person who was raped are just as damaging as one blow. Let me not be misunderstood, your son deserves to be in prison as long as she suffers from nightmares, isolation, depression, feelings or thoughts of disgust, mood swings, loss of appetite or hair, not being able to trust or be alone... ANYTHING that keeps her imprisoned from who she was before, as long as she is trapped there, your son should be there. 

I'm saddened by the approval given by the judge that this was not "too bad" and he has his whole life ahead of him... What about her whole life? What about the rest of her college career? Should she have been drunk? Probably not BUT she was of age whereas your son was not. Nevertheless, he. raped. her. I want you to look around at the numerous kids of privileged lives and see how many are actually paying for crimes that they commit, learning how to be a LAW ABIDING citizen in their youth or how to become assets to this country... And then I want you to picture a daughter (even if you don't have one) or your sister or your wife or your mom/ grandmother going through what she had to at the hands of a male... Would you give the same speech that you did for your son? I don't think so... Unless he learned that type of behavior... from you. 

The point of this letter is to open your eyes. Your son is a convict. He is a sex offender. He committed a violent crime and reaped mounds of undue and undeserved pain and agony on this young lady, their college AND her family. And your eloquent speech helped to set him free... Is all that worth that 20 mins you complained about? I hope you truly find out... and soon enough to get him help... Do yourself and your son a favor, love him enough to allow him to fail and do his time in jail. Because from that is where he will learn to succeed...

respectfully,
Felicia H. 
A rape overcomer 

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Transparent Request

When they had crossed, Elijah said to Elisha, "Ask what I shall do for you, before I am taken from you." And Elisha said, "Please let there be a double portion of your spirit on me." 2 Kings 2:9


When my kids were much younger, shortly after their dad's and my separation, I would cook strategically. When I shopped, it was for a certain amount, even with using food stamps or money that I had. I bought a certain number of drumsticks in a package (I actually still do this), a certain number of packed meats or veggies, etc. I did this because our resources were limited which made our food choices limited. On days when one was sick or spending the night out or if I had already eaten/ was not hungry for some reason, I would ask my kids what their request was to eat. I remember my son saying on one such day, "I don't care, Mommy, but I want double." To understand why that was and is so funny but truthful, you must know that my son, my middle child, loves food even though his small frame back then didn't show it!

I wonder if that was the case with Elisha... What a request to make and an honor to Elijah! It took such boldness to say what most of us think when we are around people of "greatness"! And what scary thing to request... Just take a second to think about that. Let's go back over Elijah's life in hyper-speed to understand what Elisha had just asked. 

Elijah came in just as Ahab, son of Omri, became king of Israel. He was the guy that Jezebel threatened after all of her priests were killed. He had done all of these great things in faith and yet when this woman (remember women were low creatures) threatened... no, sent someone else to threaten him, he got so scared that he wanted to die... Like... Wha???? Anyway, after her dismal death by a disjointed worker was done and she became yummy or not so yummy treats for the dogs of the area, he settled into a sanctuary and began to mentor/ disciple Elisha. (1 Kings 17-2 Kings 2) and so leads back to this verse I chose. 

In the beginning of chapter two of Second Kings, Elijah has done incredible work for God. Elisha has gotten to see the bulk of this work, so you know he is in awe of God and the power used through Elijah! So much so that when Elijah tells him to stay behind and asks what he can do for him, in a last request from your favorite performer sort of way, Elisha did not hesitate!! I didn't read, "Let me think about it" nor "can I get back to you" or "umm... welllll"..... No! He immediately said, "Please let there be a double portion of your spirit on me,"!!!! Wow!! Even Elijah knew what Elisha had asked for he stated back, "you have asked a hard thing." (2 Kings2:10) That got me wondering, why? Why was it that hard? Here's why...

The original text for spirit is ruwach. The meaning is breath, air or wind. It is derived from the same word meaning smell or scent; perceive or accept. We each have a spirit. We know this because it is with a "broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart" (Psalm 51:17). Wind is never the same for the same person. For me, I love a good heavy breeze. Case in point, recently, I have been becoming so sick that I am near being physically ill or passing out. I don't know why yet but when it happened earlier this week, I was outside this time. I am one that doesn't like to throw up outside.... So as I tried to make my fastest turtle pace walk to the front door, up the stairs and to the bathroom, once I reached the two steps that lead into the house, I knew I was not going to make it. Normally I will lie on the cold floor and fall back to sleep but this time I only had the heat of the day and the hard concrete steps on my side, it seemed. But just then, there was a rash of hard and heavy breezes that came playing through and they were so refreshing to me that it could have been God standing over me breathing onto my almost lifeless body for everyone to see! But fir someone else, who may have a fever, or just like the heat more than they like the crisp air of the fall evening, this same breeze that almost knocked our trash cans down would not have been received well. Much like "each is given a measure of faith" (Romans 12:3), God knows what we can take in our spirit. Scripture says, "To whom much is given, much is required" (Luke 12:48) and this aligns with Jesus asking the twin brothers that wanted to sit at the "right and left" of His Throne in Paradise if they knew what they were asking. 

So much responsibility, so much heartache, so much hate coming his way! But I do think that Elisha knew because he had journeyed with him for much of his ministry. He saw, he heard, he lived it with him. But at the same time, he didn't know what went on in Elijah's head... What demons tormented him and tried to psych him out or throw him off course. Now align this with today's world...

So many want what someone else has. Money, time, materials, husbands, wives, children, ministries, hearts, faith, testimonies.... Yet they do not know what it takes, nor do they have, to carry them. We want what we see, in today's world when it comes to coveting others.... Elisha desired what he saw God doing in the life of Elijah. It wasn't the status, the fame, the name that many feared... It was the God of Elijah that he sought after and he knew that Elijah and God were very close in spirit, what we would call besties today and more. I long for that! I want that! I want to know God so well that He speaks as well of me as I do Him. Wait.... he does speak well of me! It's in His Holy Word! He speaks well of you too! Get to know the God of your salvation, the God Elijah and Elisha. The God of the impossible. It's okay to have someone that you admire and long to be like, if that person exhibits Jesus to you. But don't just want to become like them, long to be just as much Jesus in someone else's life as they have been in yours. That's a double portion!

Dear giving Father! Thank You so much for the gifts that You give us. Thank You for the breath that you handcraft for each of us. I ask, Lord, that when we are in need, that You would give us that extra breath, that extra portion in addition to what You have already given us. For whatever we need.... In Jesus name! Amen!


Sunday, March 27, 2016

All for You and Me!

Crucified! 

“But because of our sins he was wounded, beaten because of the evil we did. We are healed by the punishment he suffered, made whole by the blows he received.” Isaiah 53:5 GNT

"Of the many paradoxes of Good Friday, one of the strangest is the way in which Jesus’ death transformed something totally ugly into something stunningly beautiful. Crucifixion was a punishment reserved for the worst of the enemies of the state. It was cheap--prisoners could be nailed to any tree and left to hang there till dead. It was public--the passersby could come by and gawk, suitably discouraged from committing such crimes. And it was excruciating--beheading was instantaneous, but a crucifixion victim could linger in agony for days. 

The Romans’ worst punishment was God’s choice for the punishing of his Son, whom he now considered to be the worst sinner of all time. The prophet Isaiah, seven centuries before Christ, was allowed to look into the future to see the strange way in which salvation for the human race would be won. “He was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities” (Isaiah 53:5). There is no longer any condemnation or punishment for those who believe in Christ. His precious body was pierced by dreadful nails; his precious wounds bring you healing." 


This is an excerpt that I read earlier this week from bible.com. It brings some realities back to life for me. How about you? On this Celebration of His Resurrection Day, make it a point to not only thank Him for what He has done for you, but also to reflect on the pain that He took on for you... Whether you asked for it or not... Blessings!!

Alive!!!

"In John 19:30, Jesus said, “Tetelestai . . .” which means, “it is finished,” the debt is paid, the punishment has been fulfilled!" (excerpt from the It Is Finished Was Just the Beginning devotion from Calvary Chapel Ft. Lauderdale in Youversion

This morning alone, this word has set me on yet another level to journey... Tetelestai. I started merely thinking, "Ooh! That's a word I want to get tattooed!" And then I began to wonder where to put it, and then what would be the best reason, like why am I getting it and why am I putting it there because I am psycho- analytical like that... And I mean... PSYCHO and analytical separately and fully... So there's that...  anyway, that led me to look up the word in the Blue Letter Bible, which seems to be my "original text" go to. What I found was that the word was not the same. It was transcribed as "teleo" which also means finished. But there was a difference that I needed to understand and so Holy Spirit put in me this hunger to know why it was different and to learn which was which. *Side note: I wish I did this with more practical things like what I and my kids watched, what we listened to, what we read and even what we ate. Don't you?* 

As I jumped into trying to figure out the difference and which was right, I asked for guidance and for God to show me which was right. I went to my rusty, trusty Google and typed in asking what the Greek meaning to the biblical text of "It is finished" and this popped up: https://carm.org/it-is-finished and Holy Spirit used this to rock my existence!! 

Although I love to write and am a lover of certain English subjects in school, I never really grasped the concepts of certain grammar lessons or sentence structure and so I never paid attention to that portion because of it. But I just learned today the sentence structure of this one POWERFUL word is known as perfect passive indicative. Never heard of it either? Welcome to the non grammar boat! I almost went back to the Google list when I read that! But Holy Spirit had me stay on it and read (something I really hate doing if it has to do with learning). What I learned is this: the word tetelestai creates a "perfect tense which indicates that progress of an action has been completed and the result of that is ongoing and in full effect". Gibberish to English translation? Sure! It means that when something is done, when the work is completed and you still get results from it!! How about an example cause I think some may have let that fly by!! When you grow a fruit tree in your backyard and it begins to bloom and fruit is produced, the tree will continue to produce fruit long after you close your eyes on this side (unless someone tears it down). There's nothing else that you have to do!! It's done!! HOW INCREDIBLE!!!! 
So when Jesus said, "It is finished (tetelestai)," on the cross, he had fulfilled everything needed for our salvation!! We can't make ourselves anymore saved, anymore redeemed!! We DO need to carry our cross daily, we do need to remember that faith without works is dead, we do need to bring people to Christ, spread the Gospel, love our neighbors, love each other, care for those who need it, etc., but we cannot make one more deed that will ensure our salvation. We only need to grab hold of it, much like the fruit tree. We don't NEED to prune or cut or prim like we do, we just need to pick the fruit!! How AMAZING is our God!!! What really stuck out to me is the fact that God is an English Teacher!!! Hahaha!!!!

ABBA, thank You for Your teaching, Your grace, Your mercy with us such a slow moving people! Thank You for the gift of Your Son who not only lived in such a way as a blue print for us but fulfilled prophecies, gave himself up to be tried, found guilty and crucified, died on the Cross but also rose from the dead so that we could live as He loves in us!! I love You Lord!! You. Are. Worthy. To. Be. Praised!!! Amen!!

Thursday, March 17, 2016

The Long Drive Home...

The Long Drive Home

This past weekend was exciting! I was going to see some long lost friends from school and get to visit my birth city that I had not been back to since I was 2! We planned and saved, we crossed our t’s and dotted our i’s. Then the day was here!! I think I drove the entire way there, only stopping once for an hour to sleep (I figured out I can’t drive in the dark as much anymore). My daughters’ and I had so much fun! I was so excited for my classmates to meet two of the Terrific Trio (Son Me had to work)! We did everything our wallet allowed and some more! We bonded and more!

And then there was the drive home… I had been so excited to get there that I didn’t realize how hard the trip home might be. I seemed to have forgotten that this was the same weekend we sprang forward in our clocks and that ALWAYS through me off for a few days. And then I planned to make a few stops on the way home! No Bueno! I did well all day in driving, and then night time came… I struggled the entire time and what was a 13.5 hour trip became a 22 hour trip with all the stopping I did!

On the way there, I remembered driving and apparently blacking out because one minute there was a car in front of me and the next, there wasn’t! Only coming back home, I had to either succumb to the hypnotizing road in a perilous way or surrender my will to stay awake (which wasn’t very good) to God and allow Him to lead. Let me tell you, that was a struggle!! I never realized how much of a struggle surrendering all to Him was until the drive back! I wanted to keep going so that I could get my girls home. They slept most of the way and Mini Me was not feeling well, so it was just me and God. Talk about an Abraham wrestling night!

As the night went on and I realized that was not strong enough to do this on my own, He began to gently lead. I stopped more than I would have liked to, I rested more during the stops than I had decided and the night seemed to drudge on longer than a ship lost at sea looking for a lighthouse signal. I wound up driving overnight and it was horrific! But at the same time, I was at peace. I knew God had us… And then just as it began to be very heavy with fog and the view was even more skewed than it was with my eyes always closing, the dawn broke in! At that very moment, I was listening to a message where Tony Evans said even in a storm, the sun still shines. I wanted to post that on Facebook but couldn’t stop. Then as I drove past a mountain, I saw what he had just said! This is the picture I took, and the Scripture I heard… 

Thursday, November 19, 2015

TBH... I WANT TO DIE!!

"Why wasn't I born dead? Why didn't I die as I came from the womb? Job 3:11



Can I just be honest and transparent for a moment… You know what, forget that! I started this blog a few years back when I was struggling with some things and he didn't exit, and also wanted to be transparent for other believers who are normally silenced in the church for being transparent… so with that being said, I am going to be honest and transparent! And for the believers, who can't deal with that, are uncomfortable with that, don't believe that that's something that should be done feel free to shake your "sandals" off at the door as you leave and I send you with God's blessings.

This entire year and a half has been, to say the least, a horrendous sifting season. I have gone from being evicted, stranded, broken, depressed and suicidal, too… aww heck I'm still there! And it doesn't seem that December is bringing any type of end to the struggle. I already have so many heavy loads on my shoulder that it's ridiculous! And now it seems that the situation will worsen by the middle of December… all I want to do today is sit in a corner, under a blanket, and silence and switch up between crying and screaming for the next two months. I almost feel like a kid who is just been told that they have to take on adult responsibilities with the $10 allowance that they have. I'm expected to pay bills that I don't have money for, I'm expected to stay strong, I expected to stay positive, I'm expected to stay upbeat and I'm expected to keep forgiving while people keep throwing or reminding me of my old dirt, including those close. What I really want right now… is to die. It's kind of that feeling when you're swimming in the ocean (I've never been swimming in the ocean before so I don't know) and just as you decide that you need to turn around because you're so tired, and then comes a massive, gigantic wave deciding that you are its latest victim and intends to swallow you up.

Have you ever been in that place? Have you ever felt so backed up against the wall, that it seemed the wall was even turning on you? I'm at the proverbial crossroads of anger/bitterness and hopelessness. Angry because I can't seem to get ahead, I can't seem to put a dent in what I have, I can't seem to succeed and hopelessness for… well, honestly, the same thing! This is crazy!!

But what's really crazy is this piece that won't seem to leave me alone. I mean, I know that I can't pay these bills plus what's about to be added on my plate, but I can't seem to panic like my flesh wants me to. There's a song that, although I don't listen to these two sisters anymore, just stays within me like a good piece of steak and potato that sticks to your ribs. Have you ever heard the song What is This by Mary Mary? I can't seem to get the lyrics out of my head! Of course there's also the song "I Have Peace Like a River" and "You are My Strong Tower" that just keep swimming around my head like little characters when the cartoons get bonked on the head really hard! Let's not even go into the vast array of Scripture that is coming up like heartburn when you are 8.7 months pregnant (ladies I know you know).

John 16:33 is a loud one. So is Psalm 46:1 but at this point, I don't want to be still. I want to SEE what is coming so that I can decide if I'm going to run or brace myself! There is Hebrews 11:1 but I think that my faith is about as cloudy as my vision without my glasses, right now (yes, I'm that blind!).

I want to do what Jesus told us to, to give Him our burdens and take on his instead. But I think I've been holding onto these burdens and allowing others to place there's on me for so long, that my hands of cramped up and won't seem to let go. So now what, Jesus? Now what do I do since my hands won't open up? What do I do, now that I feel like I'm in a stop and stalled car right smack in the middle of the busiest interstate in the world? What good is beating my chest, as Paul said to do, going to do me? What good is "confessing to one another" going to do me when so many people in Your Church don't want to hear the struggles because it reminds them so much of their own and those that are struggling have adapted to the world policy of "God helps those that help themselves"?

Yet I feel like the Psalmist (David) who declared how brittle his bones were, how dry his throat was, how much in despair he was and yet his soul hoped in God... and he encouraged his soul in this trying time. I know that I will.

I know that I will get pass this. I know that He has a plan, that He loves me, that He cares for me and that He plans for me to succeed, and not fail. That doesn't make the journey down this path any easier. So, just like a bus ride that I have rode so many times before, I will ride this one only this time with joy. It may not always be on the outside, I may not feel it, but I know that it is there. It doesn't change that I want to give up, that I want to die. It just changes the fact that I know I won't and that I know He will walk through this with me. It's not the first time and it won't be the last. All I will ask is that you who read this will pray for me. #Selah



Friday, June 26, 2015

Where Have You Been?

They did not find him, so they went back to Jerusalem looking for him. (Luke 2:45 GNT)

Today is June 26th, 2015. On January 22nd, 1973 the Supreme Court made a decision to legalize abortion. Today, they legalized same sex marriage. I'm not shocked. If you read the Bible on a regular basis, does not include every Sunday right before you teach Sunday school, you would know as well. Romans 1:24 tells us that they were given over. Second Timothy 3:2 tells us that the world will be lovers of themselves (me first), boastful (bragging and wanting others to brag on them), etc.... Why did we think the government and courts would be otherwise. We as a Body have become desensitized to what we are supposed to log as evil and against what we are supposed to hold as True because we have done exactly what we were called NOT to do. We have become "of this world" instead of just living/ traveling through it.

When Jesus was 12, he went to the temple with his earthly parents. When they left, he did not leave with them. Why? His statement "didn't you know I would be here" has always confused me because of how he addressed his mother. Why would she know he would be there? Why did he think she would figure that? Because Mary was told from the beginning that he was the Savior of the world. She knew that her son was really the Son of God and after having him for 12 years, she had begun to settle into motherhood. So by the time she got back to the temple after frantically searching everywhere, my guess is from fear and shaming herself because she had forgotten her child... God's child, she was angry to find him securely discussing and listening to the leaders of the church in that time. She scolded him... and he answered.

My point of choosing this particular Scripture when I could pick other ones that discuss why homosexuality is bad and not to be condoned or participated in is that these decrees that we force feed and spiritually rape the world with are. for. us. Not them. They are of this world and it is our job, our calling to bring them to Christ not dress them up like we would our loose friend that we want to spend the night but know our parents would ever allow. We have spent entirely too much time harking on what they don't need to do and what they don't need to watch and what they don't need say and what they need to believe and if they don't listen then we need them to know where they WILL be going. We have literally made hell a resort compared to heaven because of our actions. Sure, there are a few who will go head first, not knowing and being lied to but it would be their choice after we share HIS Gospel, not ours. His Gospel tells us His love of us and what He did for us and how He longs for a relationship for us and how to get that. NOT brimstone, fire and hell as parting gifts when they don't agree or surrender or hord'oerves when they come close! We have it wrong! We are shining the wrong light! Even when we are guiding a brother or sister (fellow Christian) back to His comfort, we do it "gently" according to Galatians 6:1, not with a blinding light shining in their face and showing all their transgressions bare backed!

Where is our grace? Where is our mercy? Where is our fight aimed in the whole scheme of things, towards the enemy of our souls or the people in similar flesh? Where is our compassion based on how we knew we were when we were fallen? Where have we been? Do I think this decision would have taken place if we had been focused on His Kingdom instead of changing what is uncomfortable to us? Sure! This is a fallen world and we cannot assume they will get it right; it's why we are here. What I did not figure in is the backlash from Christians. Instead of getting on our knees and reminding God that we are those few "righteous people in the city" that Lot prays for and that God would spare this nation because of our sake. Not to save us and give us more time on Earth! But to allow us to GET TO WORK and bring more people to Him!

People, friends of this agenda are right when they say "let these people do what they want"... God is, who are we to say no? They are not right when they save "love is love"... I want to make sure that my readers understand that I do NOT support gay marriage. I have loved ones and friends who are in these unions and I love THEM, not what they do. I will accept anyone regardless of what lifestyle they lead but I do not accept any sin as condoned. I am mourning but my mourning comes from a different perspective. My mourning is because we as His Bride are losing our salt at a rapid rate and God is saying "Where have you been?"

God... forgive our sins of being closed mouthed, afraid and tolerant of sin.... Help those who are sent to awaken Your people to do what they are sent to do! WAKE UP CHURCH!!
NOTE****** I am seeing Christians allow despair in by saying things like this is the “darkest day in American history” or I am in serious “mourning”, “heartache”, etc. My question is why? Did we forget who is really on the Throne? Did we forget that He knew this day was coming as surely as He knew about each devastation that has come and will? Do NOT allow what seems as a temporary victory for the enemy to distract you from being on your knees, giving thanks to Him and interceding for our world. They need our light more than ever and in order to keep it bright, we need Christ more than ever. Despair, depression and mourning have no place in this. It is a dark world and they will make dark decisions. We need to get on top of this horse and control it the way we know how, with the authority given us in Christ Jesus!!