Thanks for visiting my blog! I pray that you get something out of my being transparent and that God will continue to use me even to speak to one!! Feel free to click follow or follow by email! Be blessed... and transparent!

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Seeing In the Dark

Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him. Job 13:15a

Why are you cast down, O my soul,

Why are you cast down, O my soul,

Today has already been a hard day... It started out as any other. I woke up, read my Bible plan for the day (I even did it before looking at Facebook) and prepared to take my mom to work. I woke my youngest up as she gets ready while I am gone. Last night she had a little attitude because I got on her about not moving when I tell her to do something and even addressed her mumbling to her brother (he's next for listening and not correcting). But this morning, she was fine and even joyful! A new day, thank You Lord! I dropped her off, came to get my oldest and take her to work and my focus began to shift to how little gas we have (for the rest of the week, mind you). I stopped focusing on God and began focusing on what I didn't have. The enemy settles in so subtly and then goes in for the kill... 

By the time I got back, I knew my prayer time would be rough but I was okay, so I thought. I turned on my prayer playlist on YouTube and got ready... and then the tears began. The shame began to flow through, the the guilt rose up... again. Last night replayed and how my youngest wanted seconds but we didn't have enough and so she seemed disappointed. I seemed to have been too busy to recognize my broken heart over that until today. Emotions seemed to sweep over me... what I can't do, how I am not equipped, how tired I am of things, what I need... Me me me... 

I read a prophetic word that was anonymously given on Sunday to me and even that seemed to bring more tears of how worthless I am, alone. This seemed to be a rough chaffing day, a day of God removing some things that were deeply planted in my heart. And even as I replayed our eviction, the many times in need, the bills I can't seem to catch up to, the tuition and teachers who count on it I let down, my daughter's trip in less than two weeks which I don't have the money for (less the donation given). I seem let everyone down or say what shouldn't be said or continuously ask for things (beg)... 

So as I cried, I wrote this down (bare with me, it's long):
My confessions: I'm tired of being broke. I'm tired of not having what's needed. I'm tired of being homeless and my kids sleeping on the floor or not having what they need. I can't seem to do this right, not even at the end of my daughter's last year. I can't seem to fight procrastination and spending. I can't seem to stay focused. I can't do this. I am broken. I am alone. I am lonely. I am without help. I am lying to myself and others when I seem okay or good with it. I am not. I am always 3 steps behind when there are blessings to be had. I need help. I need to hear Your voice, Your wisdom, Your instructions for me. I need provision. I need to see the manifestations. I need to have faith and trust You more. I need to know and see that this is almost over. I repent of my selfish perspective and vain imaginations. I repent of my pride. I repent of my attitude and lack of focus. I repent of not seeking Your Kingdom and not following through. I repent of not seeking Your face but instead Your hands. I repent of keeping some of my life away from You. I repent of serving manna, not You. HELP MY UNBELIEF!!!!! I don't believe the provision will come. I don't believe I will receive Your promises because I don't deserve them. I don't believe that someone will bless us with a vehicle and house but that you want me to work for it all, not so ministry. I don't believe I can do what's needed to prepare my kids for their futures. 

And then I realized that something was happening. I was hearing truths spoken in my spirit as I spoke out these emotions and lies and venom about His daughter whom He loves. My feeling are real, my thoughts are real, how I feel right now is real... But His truth in my life is even more real. So then as I read this out loud, I realized some truths and said these things: I'm tired but You are my strength. You said I could come if I am weary and you would give me strength. I can't but You can. You said with me this is impossible, but with You ALL things are possible (that just choked me up again, dang it! I'm almost out of tissue). I feel like nothing right now but I am made new in You. You said You would never leave me nor forsake me. You would never see Your seed begging bread. I do need, but it's You that I need. You said You would give my daily bread and in that I need to trust. As I repent, I know I am forgiven. 

In the course of this crying out, wanting pass over the bad stuff and realizing I need more of His presence, not what's in His wallet, I am still worried, I am still stressed, I can't see my way out of this darkness... But He can. And that's all I need to rest in right now. 

If I go or not, if my daughter is able to go or not, if we lose the rest of what we have, we STILL have CHRIST and that can never change. He never leaves or forgets us, we walk away and forget Him. 

Thank You God for walking me through this painful reminder today that You are all that I need. I still hope that all turns out well and that someone will bless us with what is needed to go, to move in, to drive but even if none of it happens, Your Word is still true and You are still good and for that I worship you.