Thanks for visiting my blog! I pray that you get something out of my being transparent and that God will continue to use me even to speak to one!! Feel free to click follow or follow by email! Be blessed... and transparent!

Thursday, November 19, 2015


"Why wasn't I born dead? Why didn't I die as I came from the womb? Job 3:11

Can I just be honest and transparent for a moment… You know what, forget that! I started this blog a few years back when I was struggling with some things and he didn't exit, and also wanted to be transparent for other believers who are normally silenced in the church for being transparent… so with that being said, I am going to be honest and transparent! And for the believers, who can't deal with that, are uncomfortable with that, don't believe that that's something that should be done feel free to shake your "sandals" off at the door as you leave and I send you with God's blessings.

This entire year and a half has been, to say the least, a horrendous sifting season. I have gone from being evicted, stranded, broken, depressed and suicidal, too… aww heck I'm still there! And it doesn't seem that December is bringing any type of end to the struggle. I already have so many heavy loads on my shoulder that it's ridiculous! And now it seems that the situation will worsen by the middle of December… all I want to do today is sit in a corner, under a blanket, and silence and switch up between crying and screaming for the next two months. I almost feel like a kid who is just been told that they have to take on adult responsibilities with the $10 allowance that they have. I'm expected to pay bills that I don't have money for, I'm expected to stay strong, I expected to stay positive, I'm expected to stay upbeat and I'm expected to keep forgiving while people keep throwing or reminding me of my old dirt, including those close. What I really want right now… is to die. It's kind of that feeling when you're swimming in the ocean (I've never been swimming in the ocean before so I don't know) and just as you decide that you need to turn around because you're so tired, and then comes a massive, gigantic wave deciding that you are its latest victim and intends to swallow you up.

Have you ever been in that place? Have you ever felt so backed up against the wall, that it seemed the wall was even turning on you? I'm at the proverbial crossroads of anger/bitterness and hopelessness. Angry because I can't seem to get ahead, I can't seem to put a dent in what I have, I can't seem to succeed and hopelessness for… well, honestly, the same thing! This is crazy!!

But what's really crazy is this piece that won't seem to leave me alone. I mean, I know that I can't pay these bills plus what's about to be added on my plate, but I can't seem to panic like my flesh wants me to. There's a song that, although I don't listen to these two sisters anymore, just stays within me like a good piece of steak and potato that sticks to your ribs. Have you ever heard the song What is This by Mary Mary? I can't seem to get the lyrics out of my head! Of course there's also the song "I Have Peace Like a River" and "You are My Strong Tower" that just keep swimming around my head like little characters when the cartoons get bonked on the head really hard! Let's not even go into the vast array of Scripture that is coming up like heartburn when you are 8.7 months pregnant (ladies I know you know).

John 16:33 is a loud one. So is Psalm 46:1 but at this point, I don't want to be still. I want to SEE what is coming so that I can decide if I'm going to run or brace myself! There is Hebrews 11:1 but I think that my faith is about as cloudy as my vision without my glasses, right now (yes, I'm that blind!).

I want to do what Jesus told us to, to give Him our burdens and take on his instead. But I think I've been holding onto these burdens and allowing others to place there's on me for so long, that my hands of cramped up and won't seem to let go. So now what, Jesus? Now what do I do since my hands won't open up? What do I do, now that I feel like I'm in a stop and stalled car right smack in the middle of the busiest interstate in the world? What good is beating my chest, as Paul said to do, going to do me? What good is "confessing to one another" going to do me when so many people in Your Church don't want to hear the struggles because it reminds them so much of their own and those that are struggling have adapted to the world policy of "God helps those that help themselves"?

Yet I feel like the Psalmist (David) who declared how brittle his bones were, how dry his throat was, how much in despair he was and yet his soul hoped in God... and he encouraged his soul in this trying time. I know that I will.

I know that I will get pass this. I know that He has a plan, that He loves me, that He cares for me and that He plans for me to succeed, and not fail. That doesn't make the journey down this path any easier. So, just like a bus ride that I have rode so many times before, I will ride this one only this time with joy. It may not always be on the outside, I may not feel it, but I know that it is there. It doesn't change that I want to give up, that I want to die. It just changes the fact that I know I won't and that I know He will walk through this with me. It's not the first time and it won't be the last. All I will ask is that you who read this will pray for me. #Selah

Friday, June 26, 2015

Where Have You Been?

They did not find him, so they went back to Jerusalem looking for him. (Luke 2:45 GNT)

Today is June 26th, 2015. On January 22nd, 1973 the Supreme Court made a decision to legalize abortion. Today, they legalized same sex marriage. I'm not shocked. If you read the Bible on a regular basis, does not include every Sunday right before you teach Sunday school, you would know as well. Romans 1:24 tells us that they were given over. Second Timothy 3:2 tells us that the world will be lovers of themselves (me first), boastful (bragging and wanting others to brag on them), etc.... Why did we think the government and courts would be otherwise. We as a Body have become desensitized to what we are supposed to log as evil and against what we are supposed to hold as True because we have done exactly what we were called NOT to do. We have become "of this world" instead of just living/ traveling through it.

When Jesus was 12, he went to the temple with his earthly parents. When they left, he did not leave with them. Why? His statement "didn't you know I would be here" has always confused me because of how he addressed his mother. Why would she know he would be there? Why did he think she would figure that? Because Mary was told from the beginning that he was the Savior of the world. She knew that her son was really the Son of God and after having him for 12 years, she had begun to settle into motherhood. So by the time she got back to the temple after frantically searching everywhere, my guess is from fear and shaming herself because she had forgotten her child... God's child, she was angry to find him securely discussing and listening to the leaders of the church in that time. She scolded him... and he answered.

My point of choosing this particular Scripture when I could pick other ones that discuss why homosexuality is bad and not to be condoned or participated in is that these decrees that we force feed and spiritually rape the world with are. for. us. Not them. They are of this world and it is our job, our calling to bring them to Christ not dress them up like we would our loose friend that we want to spend the night but know our parents would ever allow. We have spent entirely too much time harking on what they don't need to do and what they don't need to watch and what they don't need say and what they need to believe and if they don't listen then we need them to know where they WILL be going. We have literally made hell a resort compared to heaven because of our actions. Sure, there are a few who will go head first, not knowing and being lied to but it would be their choice after we share HIS Gospel, not ours. His Gospel tells us His love of us and what He did for us and how He longs for a relationship for us and how to get that. NOT brimstone, fire and hell as parting gifts when they don't agree or surrender or hord'oerves when they come close! We have it wrong! We are shining the wrong light! Even when we are guiding a brother or sister (fellow Christian) back to His comfort, we do it "gently" according to Galatians 6:1, not with a blinding light shining in their face and showing all their transgressions bare backed!

Where is our grace? Where is our mercy? Where is our fight aimed in the whole scheme of things, towards the enemy of our souls or the people in similar flesh? Where is our compassion based on how we knew we were when we were fallen? Where have we been? Do I think this decision would have taken place if we had been focused on His Kingdom instead of changing what is uncomfortable to us? Sure! This is a fallen world and we cannot assume they will get it right; it's why we are here. What I did not figure in is the backlash from Christians. Instead of getting on our knees and reminding God that we are those few "righteous people in the city" that Lot prays for and that God would spare this nation because of our sake. Not to save us and give us more time on Earth! But to allow us to GET TO WORK and bring more people to Him!

People, friends of this agenda are right when they say "let these people do what they want"... God is, who are we to say no? They are not right when they save "love is love"... I want to make sure that my readers understand that I do NOT support gay marriage. I have loved ones and friends who are in these unions and I love THEM, not what they do. I will accept anyone regardless of what lifestyle they lead but I do not accept any sin as condoned. I am mourning but my mourning comes from a different perspective. My mourning is because we as His Bride are losing our salt at a rapid rate and God is saying "Where have you been?"

God... forgive our sins of being closed mouthed, afraid and tolerant of sin.... Help those who are sent to awaken Your people to do what they are sent to do! WAKE UP CHURCH!!
NOTE****** I am seeing Christians allow despair in by saying things like this is the “darkest day in American history” or I am in serious “mourning”, “heartache”, etc. My question is why? Did we forget who is really on the Throne? Did we forget that He knew this day was coming as surely as He knew about each devastation that has come and will? Do NOT allow what seems as a temporary victory for the enemy to distract you from being on your knees, giving thanks to Him and interceding for our world. They need our light more than ever and in order to keep it bright, we need Christ more than ever. Despair, depression and mourning have no place in this. It is a dark world and they will make dark decisions. We need to get on top of this horse and control it the way we know how, with the authority given us in Christ Jesus!!

Monday, June 8, 2015

Transparent and Truthful Tithing/ Giving

After some time Cain brought some of his harvest and gave it as an offering to the Lord. Then Abel brought the first lamb born to one of his sheep, killed it, and gave the best parts of it as an offering. The Lord was pleased with Abel and his offering, but he rejected Cain and his offering. Cain became furious, and he scowled in anger. (Genesis 4:3-5 GNT)

He had a good night at the casino. He woke up in a generous mood. When he was dressed and went to grab a bite to eat, he tipped the waiter extra. He set off to church whistling and singing. "The service was great", he thought. The choir was angelic, the pastor hit on some good points, although he kind of crossed the line when he spoke about lying being the same as murder. The man decided that he would send him an email about that. When the pastor came back up to speak, the smile quickly left the man. The pastor wanted to set up the giving time. The man had a complete attitude by the time the pastor was done and as he watched the rows getting up to drop in their change, bills, checks and envelopes; he argued in his heart about giving. He had never seen the point of setting aside money when he gave it all the time to people on the street, his doorman, people who served him... It was too much! "And yes", he admitted in his heart, "I did win last night but that's not my wages so I don't have to give." But not wanting to look selfish in front of the congregation, he went up anyway and angrily dropped in a $5 bill from his stash of $7,200 winnings. After leaving abruptly, he was still angrily laying out his conversation he would have with the pastor and did not see the person, until they ran into him. "Sorry!” they yelled out and kept going. At this point, his mind was full of rage. So much so that he didn't reach in his pocket to count his money again, something he had even done 4 times while in church, until he got into his apartment and decided he needed cheering up. With a quick smile, he reached in and shot his head up as he replayed what had happened to him on his way out of church. All he could was drop to the couch in disbelief. Of all the times he had been to that very church and had money in his wallet, this was the first time he had been pick-pocketed.

This story illustrates how we, as believers, do each time we are asked to give God what is His. It may not be as dramatic for all; it may not even be literal. It may be that the pick-pockets are bills or some shopping done where you spent more than expected. It could be just in your heart and you are not a cheerful giver. Whatever the issue, we have somehow lost sight of what we have in our possession. We have forgotten that all that we own is to be surrendered to God, not just 10%. Yes, we decide what we give, however everything we have; He gave it to us. Without Him, we would have nothing, no matter how hard we worked.

Take, for instance, a loan that you have taken out for your car. You owe the financier the car payment/ the principle of the loan, but you are also paying interest on the loan so that you are essentially paying more than you saw on the ticket price. Depending on the loan place, if you miss one or more payments, they will come for your car.

Tithing is essentially the same with one major difference. God does not NEED your money! He owns cattle on a thousand hills! What you have is chump change in comparison to what He has without you! You’re not giving because He needs you; you’re not giving to the church or to put the pastor in a plush home and vehicle (although that happens sometimes). The ONLY reasons you are giving is because a) it is a command b) its His anyway c) to show your appreciation of all He has given you despite you and d) it is your act of worship. We selfishly assume that the building will crumble or God will cease doing daily miracles without our help. We assume that the church will change views of we threaten to "take our money elsewhere." NEWSFLASH!! This is not a business transaction that flutters on your very whim. Retail and other services have led us to believe that we are the cat's meow when it comes to consumerism.  They have led us to believe the lie that the "customer is always right" and we have taken that mindset to church. We believe that of we are not pleased with service, we don't need to pay. This is not the case. The enemy would also have us to believe that the church is a greedy whore that just wants our money. This is also further from the truth. There are two simple things that have helped me and I think can help you if you struggle with bringing "the whole tithe" to Him who it already belongs to.

The first thing is poverty. No matter what are status is or how much money we have, we are all one step away from poverty. Although I have never been wealthy or well off, I have been to the point where I could pay bills on time. During that season, I thought it more important to spend money on things not needed. After all that, I would give 10% and if I couldn't give the entire amount, I would feel bad and decide to give the balance the next time. My bills always came first, or spending before God. I thought because I was giving, it was okay, fully missing the point of "first fruits" when it came to tithing.

Now that I am in a season of poverty where ends are deciding they have better things to do than meet, I am finally seeing the value of giving. It has taken me most of my desert journey to get why God did not honor Cain's offering in Genesis 4. It wasn't just because He liked Abel more or because he was the youngest. There is a word that was used for Abel's giving that wasn't for Cain's... first fruits (verse 4). Cain gave out of obedience only; Abel gave out of worship, honor, love, gratitude and obedience. There was a decision Abel made, that Cain did not. He only gave because he was told to and taught to, Abel gave because he was grateful and knew he was giving to the Lord what was already His. Boy, what a difference aforethought makes!

The second thing is it's ALREADY His!! "The Earth is the Lord's and the fullness, thereof, the world and all who dwell in it." (Psalms 24:1) All this means is that it is already His. You’re not adding to His vast Kingdom, you're simply bringing it back when He gives it to you. He gives to us for that reason, to place into His care; all that He has given us in this world. Not just money but material, family, ministry, gifts, it's all to be given back to Him. My life verse, Matthew 6:33 tells us to seek His Kingdom and all His righteousness FIRST, that is a command. If I don't have any money to seek His Kingdom with, I bring my time and my talents. I give my first fruits of everything, all of me. I bring everything I have, sometimes that will be sacrificial, to His Kingdom for His use. The second part of that is a promise, "and all these things (in the previous verses) will be given to you..." It's that simple!

We, as humans, make it complicated. We begin to rationalize everything. We see a derelict on the street and immediately think that this person is lazy, they must be a drunk or drug addict and they need to get up and get a job "like the rest of us." So we justify that God wouldn't want us to support their "habit" and go pass without thinking of it again. It then becomes habit for us and pretty soon we are regular judges and don't even look their way. But what does the Word say? Galatians 5:14 says "love your neighbor as yourself." If you were in that predicament, would you want help? Matthew 5:42 says "give to the one who begs from you and do not refuse the one that would borrow from you." Another one is 1 John 3:17 and that says "if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abode in him?" There is a whole host of them if you do a word search and I will leave this list with you. http://www.openbible.info/topics/giving_to_the_needy

So I comes down to this, are you willing to give God what is already His? "Give, and it will be given to you. Pressed down, shaken together and running over. For with the measure you give, it will be given back to you." (Luke 6:38) Let me give you a visual picture of this, if you use a measuring cup when a neighbor comes and asks for some sugar, you will be sure to get just that back. But if they ask for some sugar and you give the bag, which is in there "pressed down, shaken together and running over", how much more will you receive when in need? Only God knows, will you put Him "to the test" as He challenges in Malachi 3:10? I am!

Friday, June 5, 2015

Transparent Test

Then the  Lord  said to Moses, “Behold, I am about to rain bread from heaven for you, and the people shall go out and gather a day’s portion every day, that I may test them, whether they will walk in my law or not. Exodus 16:4

Just reading the above verse... Isn't that the one of the hardest challenges you have ever heard?! "I'm giving food but don't get more than what you need for that day..." I'm thinking that will take work, precision, calculating how much everyone will eat and be full, timing (because you go out in the early morning to get the full day's worth).... or trust. Ouch! Here we go with that word again...

One of the most difficult things for me to understand, early on in my driving experience is the side mirrors... The message says "Objects in mirrors are closer than they appear". Even as I write this, I'm laughing at exactly what God means by it! I wonder if this is what pastors and leaders do when they are preparing for a message... Anyway, I always wondered what exactly it meant, because in my view, they never LOOKED closer when I looked in the mirror. I didn't grab hold of what Chevrolet, Nissan and the other car makers were trying to say at first. And then the other day, I saw this gorgeous car and wanted to take a picture of it. I gave, probably threw, my phone at my oldest child (they are so forgiving and accommodating) and asked her to be the photographer. Then I forgot about (A.D.O.W.T-attention deficit... ooh what’s that) it and went on with life. A few days later while cleaning my photo stream, I found it and immediately knew it would go with this as the flickering light in my head began the long task of switching on.

You see, what I had understood in the natural is NOT what God said in the Bible. Let me repeat that one more time. What had been my understanding with my natural eyes reading to me is not what God said when He breathed out His Word. My understanding is that I must be doing something wrong, my screw ups must be following me, I must be the black sheep and bringing about this stuff on myself. I must be pushing my blessings away as I continue to wake up and fail each day to make Him first. That I need more and He must be okay with me suffering. But His Word says HE will rain down from heaven, and I only need to take what I need for the day. He says that He will supply all my needs. He says that He will open a window in Heaven and pour out and that what He gives I will not have room enough to receive.

But that side view into my circumstances, Lord. These bills, Lord. The cramped place and borrowing the car, Lord. The sickness, Lord. The doctor says 6 months, Lord. He says he wants a divorce, Lord. They told me I would never have kids, Lord. No... what I didn't realize was the purpose of the side view mirror. I am one that always turns around when I drive. I do look into the side mirror but also over my shoulder. Here is the difference between looking and relying only on the side view mirror. You will not see what is in your blind spot. You will not see cars that are right beside you or passing. Accidents happen more so for those who only trust the side view. I've almost been in that predicament a few times. The same is relevant spiritually. When we focus more on the side view, what we CAN see, in our lives, we are more prone to crash or panic and worry.

He has set a table before us in the presence of our enemies. Let's focus on Him and not them. Eyes off the side view and on the road please. You will get a distorted view because the objects in the mirror (though the blessings seem far off and the road dark) are closer than they appear.

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Transparent Anger

Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger,
and give no opportunity to the devil. Ephesians 4:26-27
"The godless in heart cherish anger; they do not cry for help when he binds them.
They die in youth, and their life ends among the cult prostitutes. Job 36:13-14

Every day, thanks to the media, we see injustice acted out on blacks. A man is shot while running back away from the police, a young boy is shot while pointing a toy gun in a park, a riot happens in a city while the mayor and city officials sit by until it "gets out of hand", a young man is killed because he is walking in an apartment hallway with his girlfriend. We hear the questions that are asked. "Why?" "Where does it end?" "Where is the justice for us?" We put on new slogans, pictures and gestures to protest and bring attention to the supposed genocide of a race like, #blacklivesmatter, #handsup #notasavage #dontshoot, wearing black hoodies even in professional settings, lying down in the middle of intersections and riots. We cry out "JUSTICE" for the slain and to the law officials who have allowed these rogue humans to enter the one job where it is of utmost importance to be neutral towards race, sex and more. "To serve and protect", what happened to that mission statement of the police? When did it become about attacking before investigating and shooting to kill rather than to injure? When did we become the hunted? Let me tell you when.

I've decided to take a turn to discuss a very emotional, very heated, very volatile subject today so bear with me as I gracefully write this to shed light on both sides and share what I believe the truth is. Because this is a Christian blog and I only speak what is Truth from the Bible, it will be no different here. I welcome all comments but warn that this is not a debate, a trolling area or a place to throw insults. I respect your opinion and expect the same for anyone choosing to comment, language is ABSOLUTELY NOT permitted.

The first Scripture that was chosen is one that explains what we should be doing and how. As you can see, we ARE allowed to be angry. As Christians, we are not called to be passive, weak children of God; we just aren't supposed to throw stones and point fingers at every sin... That's for another blog. As black people, it is exactly the same. For 300 plus years, we have been carrying around a burden, an anger that is not ours. Yes, blacks were brought over under false pretenses; yes, they suffered mightily under those who were their "lords" and "masters"; yes, we have racial profiling, authorities who abuse their power, a government who would like to keep us bound and a society that views us all as animals and rogues. BUT those who have scars on their backs did so for us. They became land owners, business owners, teachers and professors, world renown and respected FOR US. And yet today, we are still screaming about some 40 acres and a mule? To listen to the voices of those who were before us, I hear the hurt, the pain, the disbelief and disappointment. They lost lives, families, spouses, children, dignity, virtue, and skin. BUT through all that loss, they gained freedom not only for themselves but for us as well. In those same voices, I hear freedom, determination, success, victory, love, and a godly fear that was passed down. But then our circumstances began to rise above their voices. Our problems began to get bigger than their warnings and the Truth they gave us. We began to despise our beginnings because they aren't "aggressive enough" and "demanding enough". We then began to listen to those who would give us whatever entitlement told us was ours. Greed stepped in and it wasn't enough, what our ancestors left us. And we forgot what they taught us through their suffering. We decided that even though Jesus in John 16:33 tells us That we WILL have strife as long as we live, that we didn't need to suffer anymore. They paid our debt and we should get back to being kings and queens like they were in Africa, Jamaica and other countries. But we never looked into their pasts to see the work they did.

That's when anger started to take a turn for the worse... It was less righteous anger that thrust us into making changes in ourselves and in society, it became about outlawing the "Man". Thus today, we have enabled, excused, vindicated and even overlooked those generations of passed down hatred, aggression and rage. We look at what other races are doing and want it. We point the finger at them when our black males are impregnating and leaving, selling and exploiting women, killing each other and whoever else is in their path, whether literally or verbally. Our black women are emasculating our black men and sons, teachings our daughters that even though we hate them, in order to get somewhere we must act like white women, turning on each other and betraying our sisters and ourselves each day. Our business owners are the ones who have higher prices and expect more from us while being crooked and looking out only for self. Our black leaders do the same while making a bad name for us.

We are a people who if we would only unite, under the Most High, would take over. Why do you think we are kept in fear of discipline our next generation, sending our sons out to play or live, our daughters to do the same, put knowledge and success in books yet keep them from the poverty stricken schools and our kids away from the wealthy ones? Because what the majority knows is IF we united, we would become a force to be reckoned with!

To the majority, I simply say that I appreciate your efforts to help. I appreciate the churches that come into the black and poverty neighborhoods to help. I leave this with you. If you TRULY want to help: 1. ask us what we need, not tell us 2. do what you say you will, not change the rules of the game 3. don't give in to the anger of which you have no personal knowledge; empathize, not sympathize 4.  you are NOT our savior but brothers and sisters sent to HELP, not save, conquer or command 5. we bleed the same. If you are not able to walk by a black person and fear not run through you, please stay away until the love of Christ is louder than your fears. Those who are enemy driven will smell that and flock to you to take advantage.

Here is my assessment. We ALL need each other, the Church DEFINITELY does not matter of what color you are. When we, the Body, get rid of black churches and white churches and Hispanic and so on and ask forgiveness of our sins... THEN will He hear from Heaven... You know the rest (II Chronicles 7:14). That's when we will be able to make an impact on the rest of the world! When we stop seeing colors and begin seeing our sins, dealing with them and pouring out love.