Seeing In the Dark

Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him. Job 13:15a


Why are you cast down, O my soul,

and why are you in turmoil within me?

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,

my salvation and my God. Psalm 42:5-6

Why are you cast down, O my soul,

and why are you in turmoil within me?

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,

my salvation and my God. Psalm 43:5

Today has already been a hard day... It started out as any other. I woke up, read my Bible plan for the day (I even did it before looking at Facebook) and prepared to take my mom to work. I woke my youngest up as she gets ready while I am gone. Last night she had a little attitude because I got on her about not moving when I tell her to do something and even addressed her mumbling to her brother (he's next for listening and not correcting). But this morning, she was fine and even joyful! A new day, thank You Lord! I dropped her off, came to get my oldest and take her to work and my focus began to shift to how little gas we have (for the rest of the week, mind you). I stopped focusing on God and began focusing on what I didn't have. The enemy settles in so subtly and then goes in for the kill... 

By the time I got back, I knew my prayer time would be rough but I was okay, so I thought. I turned on my prayer playlist on YouTube and got ready... and then the tears began. The shame began to flow through, the the guilt rose up... again. Last night replayed and how my youngest wanted seconds but we didn't have enough and so she seemed disappointed. I seemed to have been too busy to recognize my broken heart over that until today. Emotions seemed to sweep over me... what I can't do, how I am not equipped, how tired I am of things, what I need... Me me me... 

I read a prophetic word that was anonymously given on Sunday to me and even that seemed to bring more tears of how worthless I am, alone. This seemed to be a rough chaffing day, a day of God removing some things that were deeply planted in my heart. And even as I replayed our eviction, the many times in need, the bills I can't seem to catch up to, the tuition and teachers who count on it I let down, my daughter's trip in less than two weeks which I don't have the money for (less the donation given). I seem let everyone down or say what shouldn't be said or continuously ask for things (beg)... 

So as I cried, I wrote this down (bare with me, it's long):

My confessions: I'm tired of being broke. I'm tired of not having what's needed. I'm tired of being homeless and my kids sleeping on the floor or not having what they need. I can't seem to do this right, not even at the end of my daughter's last year. I can't seem to fight procrastination and spending. I can't seem to stay focused. I can't do this. I am broken. I am alone. I am lonely. I am without help. I am lying to myself and others when I seem okay or good with it. I am not. I am always 3 steps behind when there are blessings to be had. I need help. I need to hear Your voice, Your wisdom, Your instructions for me. I need provision. I need to see the manifestations. I need to have faith and trust You more. I need to know and see that this is almost over. I repent of my selfish perspective and vain imaginations. I repent of my pride. I repent of my attitude and lack of focus. I repent of not seeking Your Kingdom and not following through. I repent of not seeking Your face but instead Your hands. I repent of keeping some of my life away from You. I repent of serving manna, not You. HELP MY UNBELIEF!!!!! I don't believe the provision will come. I don't believe I will receive Your promises because I don't deserve them. I don't believe that someone will bless us with a vehicle and house but that you want me to work for it all, not so ministry. I don't believe I can do what's needed to prepare my kids for their futures. 

And then I realized that something was happening. I was hearing truths spoken in my spirit as I spoke out these emotions and lies and venom about His daughter whom He loves. My feeling are real, my thoughts are real, how I feel right now is real... But His truth in my life is even more real. So then as I read this out loud, I realized some truths and said these things: I'm tired but You are my strength. You said I could come if I am weary and you would give me strength. I can't but You can. You said with me this is impossible, but with You ALL things are possible (that just choked me up again, dang it! I'm almost out of tissue). I feel like nothing right now but I am made new in You. You said You would never leave me nor forsake me. You would never see Your seed begging bread. I do need, but it's You that I need. You said You would give my daily bread and in that I need to trust. As I repent, I know I am forgiven. 

In the course of this crying out, wanting pass over the bad stuff and realizing I need more of His presence, not what's in His wallet, I am still worried, I am still stressed, I can't see my way out of this darkness... But He can. And that's all I need to rest in right now. 

If I go or not, if my daughter is able to go or not, if we lose the rest of what we have, we STILL have CHRIST and that can never change. He never leaves or forgets us, we walk away and forget Him. 

Thank You God for walking me through this painful reminder today that You are all that I need. I still hope that all turns out well and that someone will bless us with what is needed to go, to move in, to drive but even if none of it happens, Your Word is still true and You are still good and for that I worship you. 

Smh...

If anyone hears my words and does not keep them, I do not judge him; for I did not come to judge the world but to save the world. John 12:47

While doing my daily morning routine of driving my oldest to work, I had a small ephipany... of course it occurred because someone had come from the other side of me, swerved in front of me (nearly making me hit them) to get into the left lane and turn. I, in return, laid on my horn, probably a few more seconds than required and then began shaking my head... smh. As I did this, a question was posed to me. Why do you shake your head at people? Well as quickly as it was posed, I reasoned the answer. I need them to know the dissatisfaction I have with them, the frustration they bring my way when I am merely driving! And then it struck me, when we shake our heads, we are still judging. Think about it! When our kids do something dissatisfying OR a better way to say it, not pleasing to what WE feel should be done or said, we shake our heads. When someone walks by and has on something WE would not be buried in and don't think anyone else should wear either, we shake our heads. When something is not to our approval, we shake our heads. Whether it is furiously done to make sure the person sees it or in our minds or even slightly to hide the disgust, we shake our heads and we are judging.

To judge someone in the dictionary means to form an opinion or conclusion about the subject. It's a verb. It's something that we DO. Even those who are saying, right now, "I would never do that, I never judge", you just did. It's our nature when things aren't as we think they ought to be! We give a "side eye", shake our heads, make a grunting or breathy noise, or say/ do something to make it known that we are not pleased. But if we are genuinely seeking to be as Christ, we aren't supposed to. His words were (and still are) "... I do not judge them..." How powerful this word is! How halting it would be if we followed Him totally and surrendered! Think of those who come into His hospital that we call church wounded, scared, wondering who will judge them or hoping someone can so they can be justified in their sin... yet they would come in to love, acceptance of WHOSEVER they are, not who they claim to me or what they look like. Oh what a day of restoration and redemption and celebration that would be!

I recently saw a post on my Facebook timeline that got me to thinking... It read along the lines of "where is there a church in (city name) that accepts gays and lesbians..."  My flesh met me first with, "They don't need a church like that! Think of all the sin and backsliding that would happen!" And then God reminded me of how I was in a similar boat, needing a church that accepted couples who were living together adulterously. Ouch! How crushing to my ego was that! I had been one so filthy I with my sin that I joined everything I could just to get accepted and loved. But what I really wanted was for my church family to accept my sinful ways and not speak on it. Sadly... they did and I remained in that sin until I surrendered my life to Christ. 

But what if the church this person, myself and others are describing was the church they stepped into. Our churches... Ourselves. Each of us. Being the Church that JESUS spoke of and bringing that into the buildings/ homes we worship in every week. What if we took off our Daddy's robe and became the mediator, the ambassador that brings folks to CHRIST so that when God judges them, He will say the same thing He has said on your behalf... "Not guilty." What if...

Now with this, I want to make sure I am clear. I do not agree with the agenda or lifestyle of homosexuality, and that is my right as a free person. BUT I do love every single one of them and choose not to judge them. I also expect that the choice my to judge is to be returned by any who support the agenda. Why? Because the "do not judge" is not just a weapon aimed one way or to be altered to suit one group. It is and remains for ALL because He loves ALL! 

I pray you will all read, get offended, read again, find reasons that I'm wrong, read again and see that HE is right. 

No More Silence

You are the fountain of life, the light by which we see. Psalm 36:9

This weekend is a huge time for those of us who are football fans. Especially if one of our teams played hard and won to go to Super Bowl. We plan for this weekend for weeks and/ or months. Today, Saturday, is the day of preparation for food, decorations, counting people invited or finding a place to join in on the fun; and tomorrow is the day to lose our voices for our teams, laugh too hard, for some, drink too much, eat too much and win or lose bragging rights or even money.

But in a darker place... a place not across the ocean or in a distant land, but a place right here in the U.S., probably right in your state, in your town.... in your backyard, there are many who are silently crying out. They are being prepared and transported to the site of the Super Bowl this year. They are being threatened, starved, broken and some are even being abducted right now to fulfill the "orders" of predators that pay to have these victims as companions. What a parallel!

Earlier this week, God placed it on my heart to start an event on Facebook to cry out to the heavens for these who have no voice. I have no idea why, I have never been trafficked or abducted or sold into slavery. But this quiet fire has been burning since He placed it there this week. I spoke with His passion about apps that can lead to such travesties at my daughter's school on Wednesday.

I want to say let's go get them! Let's go jump the perverts who take advantage of them. But then I know they are not the root... The root is greed which extends to the owners of these sex trade circles, the people who "buy" these victims and even the city officials and the community who sit idly by knowing it "could be" happening yet not lifting a voice, an eye brow or a even a finger to help. Our silence is our ignorance. It's time to speak up. It's time to demand change. It's time to be the fountain of life which the Psalmist speaks of in 36:9. Change will only begin when we put it into action.

This passage is being directed to the Lord as the "fountain of life". But it doesn't stop there! We are to be LIKE Christ, and if Christ is LORD of our life, than we are to be Him for those who do not know Him. So that would mean that WE are to be the "fountain of life, the light by which we see." Yet we sit by and wait for Jesus to come back and do it. Dear ones, some of His last words here on earth while in flesh were "It... is.... finished." He completed His part in three years, let's complete ours now!

This is not a call to condemn and make you pull out your checkbook for an organization, this is to wake you up "O, sleeper" and call you to get to work in the harvest that is set before us! What's your part? I'm doing mine.

Here is the link to the prayer chain we are doing this weekend:

https://www.facebook.com/events/1409667175999046/?ref_dashboard_filter=upcoming

And here are some links to point you in the direction if you need help finding what you can do, if you are in and need help getting out or if you need healing from a past experience:

http://rejuvenatingwomen.com/

http://traffickingresourcecenter.org/

http://notforsalecampaign.org/

http://www.state.gov/j/tip/id/help/

Seasons Slump...

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; 2 Corinthians 4:8


The sound of bells jingling, the smell of fresh pine, cinnamon and baking in the air. The cheerful sound of "ho ho ho, Meeeeeerry Christmaaaaas!!” coming from the bellies of those dressed as Old Saint Nick and others and the appearance of season's greetings filling the air. But something else fills the air during this supposed joyous time. Much like the dreaded seasonal flu sicknesses taking flight in the air, being passed quicker than the school yard notes about the newest fight happening after school... depression catches on when we least expect it, before we can even deflect its damaging symptoms. Some don't even know they are depressed yet daily push people away, grumble at the season’s greetings... and even get kicked off of flights for the anger associated with depression.

I was one of those people up until a few years ago. No, it wasn't when I surrendered that I was freed from this isolating sickness but when I REALIZED that I was silently succumbing to depression. Every year somewhere between the middle of November and the beginning of December I would begin to retreat to my room. Usually, I would have faithful visitors in my room in the persons of my three kids. We would sit and watch TV in my room, listen to music, and when they wanted go outside and play, I would usually watch them from my room. There was only one thing wrong with my sickness... I did not know I was sick. Friends and family would call me and ask several times a week, "Are you okay?" and follow up with the comment, "You sound empty." You see, I thought I was doing a great job of hiding the loneliness, the despair and the feelings of not being good enough that seemed to be confirmed every time I stepped out of the house (usually for church). I apparently had gotten so good at it that I didn't even know when depression came to visit. I knew all I wanted to do was sleep, I knew all I wanted to do was stay in the house, I even knew there were times when I couldn't force myself to eat for weeks on end, even though I made my kids. I liken it to having a large animal (let's go with hippopotamus size) on my back or around my neck yet never knowing it. Even the first year that I had surrendered my life, I tried to make amends for certain things and actions towards family and friends but quickly sank right back into my cold, dark dungeon of a cell when I didn't feel the apologies were good enough. I felt, once again, like a failure and the enemy was right there to, faithfully, greeting me with the all too familiar "I told you so's".

But the enemy wasn't even the problem at that point... I was. You see I was free, I just didn't realize it. I knew at the exact moment when I was supposed to surrender, I knew that I heard God say to me "If you let Me, I will love you." What I didn't know was that I wasn't just surrendering my broken heart from a tumultuous relationship, I was to surrender even my broken dreams, my broken spirit and the lies that I had been told for years that seemed to surface like old coffins when the ground opens up from years past. I was still depressed.... there I said it; I even contemplated suicide a few times. The very thing I thought would free me, salvation, seemed to thrust me further into depression because I just could not get it right! BUT GOD!!

In the past 5 years, He has been showing me time and time again that I am worthy of His love, His time, His faithfulness! Let's face it! I have messed up quite a bit in the past 5 years, yet He still loves me! And not because of me but because of Him! That is the straw that broke the depression camel's back! At first, I couldn't understand why God kept sending people to tell me that He loves me during some of the darkest times of my life. It felt like I was sinking in quagmire (quicksand, I just really wanted to type the other word) and people kept walking by as I was calling for help and saying "God wants you to know how much He loves you." I could not wrap my mind around this statement. I felt like even saying some of those times, "I don't care!! How is that going to help me??" But it was the constant knowledge that He loves me that cushioned each fall, each push from someone, each disappointment, each bump in the road.

Depression is a mild cold that you can sleep away or "sweat out" the fever. Depression is a killer, plain and not so simple. For those of us who are Christians, who live out His Word, we need to set the example to those who do not. We can't do that if we are not transparent about our struggles. They will not see that we are human just as they are if they only see our "Sunday best" and nose turned up to most things done in the world. They will not know that Jesus is the Truth, the Way and the Life or that He cares for us as Scripture says if we are not SHOWING that we need it from time to time ourselves. For 2015, I want to start THIS year long, possibly LIFELONG challenge. That we would LIVE out the footsteps of Christ, that we would show others, not just tell them, that we have troubles just like them. I will be the first. My name is Felicia and I have suffered with depression, feelings of worthlessness and have had thoughts of suicide. But that's NOT who I am!

Father, thank You for Your faithful pursuit of us, Your constant wayward children. My heart cries for those who have to deal with depression as I have. Lord, help Your children who have overcome to be a true beacon of Light for those still in the darkness. Help us not to be disgusted with their appearance and ways but only with the sin that entraps them. "Give us Your eyes so that we can see..-Brandon Heath" In Jesus precious name! Amen!

If you suffer with depression or even think you do, call your doctor immediately. Here is a list of symptoms:

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/depression-signs-and-symptoms.htm

Transparent Image

So God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. Genesis 1:27

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. 2 Corinthians 5:17

As a young lady, I was always aware of my flaws. I was always looking into windows (makeshift mirrors), in mirrors and any reflection I could find of myself. Although many thought I was looking at perfection, and I didn't correct them, I was really looking at all the many things wrong with me. I was always looking so that I could find a way to correct it. At the age of 21, I believed the lie that I was fat and was always trying to lose weight. In reality, I weighed anywhere between 125-135lbs... soaking wet.  I was a stick, basically a black Twiggy with a butt and I had no idea. No matter the attention, no matter what people said, I was fat. This continued on up until I had my last child, had a mental break and went on an unintentional food fast for two weeks straight. At last! I was thin! I could wear things I had not in years, I could see my figure again, and I didn't feel fat and ugly anymore. But this was an illusion I was all too happy to believe.

Now, ten plus years later and 50lbs heavier than when I was 21, I look back on pictures of myself and think why did I listen to that lie? We, as women, tend to believe certain lies about our image, some lies are negative... and some are positive but they are all lies. What I am finding out about myself and my daughters is that we have to be comfortable in the flesh house God packed us in. Society will force anorexic looking young women down your throat and say this is what men want, this is the only way you will be accepted and we believe it. Department stores will quietly say the same thing by literally dividing the "juniors and misses" department from the "plus size" clothing. It's almost like an alienation of anyone over the size of 12... and even that is pushing it!

Here is the Truth that God wants you to know today. You are "fearfully and wonderfully made" by Him! He didn't make a mistake, He didn't accidentally add too much skin for you to be in and He most certainly does not look at you in disgust because you do not fit the mold of society. It's time for us to break that mold and be who we were meant to be and we can do that by moving past our focus on our outer image. For after all, if the inside is not cared for, it will soon ooze out and damage the shell. How do we do that you ask? How do we move past the insecurities and walk with our head high? I'm glad you asked!

When we surrender our lives to Christ, the Bible says we become NEW creations, the old is dead and new replaces it. That also goes for thoughts, habits and mindsets. Let's look at all three for a second or two with these two scriptures in mind: "Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." Proverbs 31:30 and "Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own," 1 Corinthians 6:19.

Thoughts, this is the first place attacked to get you distracted from the plans God has for you. If you think you are fat, ugly, not accepted, different, etc., that is what will be because you have accepted those thoughts that are not yours. This is why God's Word says to "take every thought captive" (2 Corinthians 10:5) which means to literally take the thought (not physically of course) tie it up, bring to Jesus and leave it there. You can do this by checking that thought at the door with His Word. If a thought comes that you are not good enough, check it at the door by looking in His Word for something similar. Where does it say, "you are not good enough" at... It does not, but it does say because of Jesus, you are! Look at verses like Isaiah 43:25 and John 3:16.

Habits, this is a hard one to break! Duh! Habits are thoughts that become actions and are formed when done over and over. Will you do something you are used to again after surrender? Of course! But as you dive into His Word, the desire should be dying within you and soon loose you so that you are free to be free! Habits can be what you do, what you wear, what you EAT, what you read, what you listen to and even what you say! What we put into our mouth must be worthy of the One living in us. Eating in moderation, not diets, is how we maintain our healthiness (along with exercise). We are called to keep our temples running right. If we are bogged down with junk food, fast food, and chemicals society is now saying is easier, cheaper and NOW, we cannot live correctly, we are committing a slow suicide (so to speak). Care for your body and it will take care of you! Habits are easy to form and hard to break but we must be conscious of our thoughts which will make us aware of the actions behind habits. Just remember Proverbs 3:5 and Isaiah 55:8 when beginning to face habits that are not like minded with Him. And don't try to break them yourself, the power word for this is SURRENDER. Surrender them to Him, be honest, ask forgiveness and let Him know what you are thinking, doing, eating and saying and that you want to be in line with His Word. He is faithful!

Mindsets, a mindset is another way of thinking but more damaging than thoughts and habits. A mindset is just that, a mind that is set in its ways. The Bible speaks on those who have other mindsets. They are called a "stiff-necked" people. Ouch! If your mindset is out of line with God, you indeed have a stiff neck! But God is a God of the impossible! Even stiff-necked people with their own mindsets can be surrendered and living for Him!

Notice that these three I listed are from within. Our true beauty, our real image starts from within. It doesn't matter if your outfit is "Pinterest worthy" when your heart is not temple worthy.

Father, forgive our ignorance in this area. We are forced to see at some point in our lives those who society wants us to model after. Guide our eyes to YOU, the only One we need to model our actions after and our body will fall into line with Your Word! In Jesus name! Amen!

If you are one who is struggling with self image, here are some links for you. They include healthy eating, godly fashion and even my up and coming forum just for this subject! YOU ARE WORTHY!!! NO MATTER WHAT THE MIRROR OR THE WORLD TELLS YOU, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!And the picture I added shows beauty at its most natural! we are ALL beautiful!!

http://sparkpeople.com/
http://www.girltalkhome.com/
http://www.dove.us/Our-Mission/Girls-Self-Esteem/Vision/default.aspx
https://www.facebook.com/groups/YABgirls/

Nothing But... Transparent Truth

Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12

I have been seeing a picture circulate on Facebook for a couple of weeks now. At first glance, it sounds good. "Dance with God and He'll let the perfect man cut in." I even liked it and I think posted it.... but then I ran across it again this past week and God showed me somethings. He reminded me that He never leaves me nor forsakes me. So if that's true, He is not just going to let someone cut in our dance, He will let them join us. He also showed me that we are all imperfect because of our flesh, because of sin. So if that's the case, there is no way He is going to let the "perfect man" cut in because other than Christ, there is no perfect man. So what is your point, Felicia?

My point is more than breaking down this meme. My point is that we must be careful, we must be mindful, we must be awake, alert and aware of our surroundings in order to not be misled by the "trappings of this world". We, as Christians, cannot accept every "feel good" saying and accept everything as truth but we are told to "test every spirit". This includes those small, innocent pictures and quotes that float around social media and the sayings we are used to.

The more obvious objection of this meme is what it says about marriage. Ecclesiastes 4:12 says that a "cord of three is not quickly broken". Everyone remembers that, and it is used in a lot of wedding ceremonies. But look first at the sentence before that. "...one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him." A couple of people can withstand the enemy and all that he sends to tear up marriages.... Did you see that? A COUPLE... a married couple can withstand.... but a cord of three is NOT quickly broken. What is the third strand? God!! He doesn't dance with us until the "perfect person" comes along.... He knows that we will have dances that we have not practiced, dance steps such as finances, juggling a family and work, communication, adultery, loss, etc. that are harder and need the Third person to lead... and some dance steps such as growth, patience, growing faith, maturing He will just be quietly dancing with us. He doesn't force us to keep Him as lead in our trio, but nevertheless if He is not the lead partner, the enemy is.

God, forgive us for making our weddings, our marriages, our lives about us. Please take the lead as our dance Partner in our lives whether single or married. As women, we trust You to bring the not the perfect person, but the perfect person for us to level out our imperfections. But until, and if then, we trust You as our Dance Partner and are satisfied with You! In Jesus name! Amen!

Transparent Faith II

And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19

This second post come months after the first one, which I did not intend. But I now see God had many other things for me to go through. This has turned out to be a longer journey through the desert than I could have ever expected, but oh the needs that have been met!

The first Transparent Faith post was back in October, shortly after the death of my uncle and the miraculous way God took us to Tampa and back. It was an immediate need that was met immediately. This go round, the need was immediate but also a longer process. This time it was about losing provision, shelter and even comfort and an old way of life. But I knew... I know that He loves me. I never got that before. I never understood why when I was suffering, people would come in droves saying "God loves you; He wants you to know that." I get it now. 

This process with the eviction was prolonged because I fought it and He allowed it knowing that I was scared. I was scared of change, of the unknown and even what people would think (those who know me know that is so not me). This by far, was one of the two worst things my family of four had been through. But I knew that I knew that I knew that He had us. I cried, I pleaded, I begged, I even denied that it was happening for a while, but there was a stillness, a peace in me that knew that it would and that He had us. 

We are now in the second phase of this current "homeless" journey even though we have a roof (staying with my mom), have all the necessities that most don't when they become homeless. I have no idea where this will take us but I know Who will take us through us. Even as I finish this blog up three months after this happened, the song Whom Shall I Fear by Chris Tomlin is playing on my worship playlist. That is no accident. Neither is any of this. I know that we have one more year here in Omaha and I need to get busy with my assignment here! I know that we will be moving soon, I believe to Ralston (a nearby neighborhood). I know that with the provision that is "dripping" out on us, when it finally pours from His window in heaven, it will be an incredible downpour for all!!

My point of this second part is to say simply hold on. In the midst of the chaos going on around you, your bills, your hurts, your pain, your sickness, your disappointments, your heartbreaks, your transgressions and trials..... hold on to His unchanging hand and He will not lead you astray. He never said we would not go through things, in fact in John 16:33 Jesus tells us we WILL. But even in what we are going through, His promise to never leave or forsake us is still there. Hold on to that, and in the days that you can't seem to grasp it or keep hold to it (I have had those days quite frequently) then hold Him to His word. Remind Him of His promises, yell, scream, and cry, whatever but get in His face. I guarantee and double dog dare you at the same time knowing that you will not leave the same!

Stay tuned for part III of this journey because He is not finished with me or you yet!!